Diamonds are Forever

Diamonds are Forever

Eon Productions was in a weird spot.  Even though its box office did not live up to the dizzying heights of the Connery era, On Her Majesty's Secret Service was still a success and producers Broccoli and Saltzman had planned to continue the series with George Lazenby as Bond.  But as the 1970s started, Lazenby thought the wind was heading in a different direction, and that Bond was an archaic, violent brute who had no place in the changing world.  So he gave up the role (which he has since admitted was not the best idea in the world).  And once again, Eon had to look for a new Bond. They considered Burt Reynolds (Deliverance), Adam West (the Batman TV show) and Michael Gambon (Dumbledore in the last few Harry Potter films), and even hired American John Gavin (Spartacus) at one point.  The studio, United Artists, was understandably uneasy.  Maybe the franchise really was becoming outdated. Maybe they had all taken it as far as it could reasonably go. To hedge their bets, they wanted Sean Connery back and applied pressure on Broccoli and Saltzman to get it done...no matter what the cost.

The news exploded like wildfire.  The original Bond was coming back to save the day.  But he didn't come cheap.  His salary was a then record 1.25 million pounds (most of which he donated to the Scottish International Educational Trust).  For a director, the producers turned to Guy Hamilton, who had guided the franchise to one of its greatest successes with Goldfinger.  But even with the return of Connery and Hamilton, the final result was a bit of a mixed bag.  Critics didn't seem to like Diamonds Are Forever all that much, and history has been even more unkind to it.  It is routinely ranked among the worst of the franchise, and easily as the worst under Connery's watch.  But is it really that bad?

I guess it depends on who you ask.  The plot is certainly a bit thin.  Bond goes undercover as a diamond smuggler, only to discover his nemesis Blofeld is using the diamonds to create another super laser weapon with which he will hold the world hostage (because super laser weapons obviously need diamonds to function properly).  But there are worse plots in the series, so that's not really worth complaining about.  I think critics didn't like Diamonds are Forever because it is so bizarre.  After the deadly serious ending of On Her Majesty's Secret Service, Eon seems to have gone too far in the other direction.  And make no mistake, the camp and absurdity of the Roger Moore era really pales in comparison to some of the shenanigans going on here.  And the fact that the franchise went from being a serious spy thriller in 1961 to featuring over-the-top moon buggy chases less than 10 years later must have driven critics crazy!

But I kinda dig it!  There is a bizarre charm to Diamonds are Forever that I appreciate.  But more on that in minute...

...because there are some really bad things about this film that it is only fair to mention.  Much of the humor is forced, the movie drags in some places, the gadgets are among the worst (a mousetrap gun holster?!?!), the climax of the film, a battle on an oil platform, is shockingly bad.  From the moment Bond arrives at the platform, walking across the ocean in a giant inflatable ball (you read that right), until the end credits, the film is almost unwatchable.  And how did SPECTRE, whose previous base was a volcano, for crying out loud, get reduced to hiding out on an oil rig??

I also realized something about the franchise - Blofeld is actually not a very good villain.  When he was mysterious and off-camera, he was menacing and terrifying, but as soon as they revealed him in You Only Live Twice, he ceased to be scary or even a worthy opponent for Bond.  Donald Pleasance and Telly Savalas were not very memorable in their takes on the role, and Charles Gray, who plays Blofeld here, is the worst, least threatening Blofeld of them all.  What a waste of a nemesis!

But there is also lot of good stuff in here, as well!  Connery returns and immediately erases all memories of Lazenby.  John Barry delivers yet another superb score, showing that he was not running short of ideas even seven movies in.  Bond girl Jill St. John does a fine job, though her character runs out of things to do fairly quickly.  There is an excellent car chase in a Vegas parking lot and an excellent, brutal fight in an elevator.  And a lot of the aforementioned weirdness just...works.  So, you may ask why I enjoy the camp in Diamonds are Forever and yet loathe You Only Live Twice.  The reason is one of intention - You Only Live Twice thought it was being just as cool as the other films in the franchise, whereas Diamonds are Forever knows exactly what it is: an over-the-top, absurd mess. Just look at the strangeness in this movie - strange henchmen/lovers, Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint, Blofeld running around in drag, Bambi and Thumper, swimming pool fight scenes, that moon buggy chase...a moon buggy chase?!  This is bizarre stuff and once I understood the strange nature of the roller coaster ride Hamilton put me on, I just sat back and enjoyed the ride.  Is Diamonds are Forever good? Maybe. But probably not.  But it certainly fun, and I think it deserves a second look.


RANKINGS:

So film history has decided that Diamonds are Forever should be near the bottom of the list, but I think it there is too much fun stuff to relegate it there.  It is certainly far below the Dr. No, From Russia with Love, Goldfinger and Thunderball.  But I'd certainly rank it higher than On Her Majesty's Secret Service and You Only Live Twice.  I think it will fall very comfortably in the middle.

1. Thunderball
2. From Russia with Love
3. Goldfinger
4. Dr. No
5. Diamonds are Forever
6. On Her Majesty's Secret Service
7. You Only Live Twice

MVP:

So this should show you how awesome Sean Connery is.  Diamonds are Forever is not even close to his best performance as Bond.  He is starting to look a bit old and uninterested.  There are scenes where I can just tell he doesn't want to be there (especially in the end).  And you know what?  It doesn't matter.  Because it's Sean Connery playing James Bond and he's just awesome at it, plain and simple.  He just elevates the movie, playing the comedy and the danger with equal panache.  It should tell you something that Connery is not even in peak form and he's still the best thing about the movie and the clear MVP!

BEST LINE:

James Bond: Weren't you a blonde when I came in?
Tiffany Case: Could be.
James Bond: I tend to notice little things like that - whether a girl is blonde or brunette.
Tiffany Case: Which do you prefer?
James Bond: Well, as long as the collar and cuffs match...

TRIVIA:

The original plot involved Auric Goldfinger's twin brother (also played by Gert Frobe) on a mission to avenge his brother's death.  That would have been...not good.