Sean Connery did not have a pleasant experience filming You Only Live Twice. Mobbed by fans, sometimes dangerously so, feeling undervalued and underpaid, and tired of being addressed as Mr. Bond instead of Mr. Connery, the volatile Scot was ready to call it quits. I’m sure the fact that the films were growing increasingly over-the-top didn’t help. With their super star leaving the franchise, producers Albert Broccoli and Harry Saltzman were in a bit of a bind – basically, they had to prove that the character was bigger than the star. And even though it was a massive hit in the box office, they also recognized that they may have gone a bit overboard with You Only Live Twice (you think?!?!).
And so we find ourselves with On Her Majesty’s Secret Service starring a model from New Zealand, George Lazenby, in a plot that tried to stay down to Earth and follow Ian Fleming’s source novel more closely that the previous film. Though he failed to capture Blofeld in Japan, Bond has not given up the hunt for his mortal enemy. During his investigation, he meets Tracy, the rebellious daughter of Draco, the leader of one of Europe's major crime syndicates, who just happens to know how Bond can find Blofeld. It seems the villainous leader of SPECTRE (played by Telly Savalas, who replaces Donald Pleasance) claims he wants to go straight, but he is clearly up to something strange. He is petitioning the London College of Arms to be recognized as the Comte Balhazar de Bleuchamp of Switzerland, and he is also operating a secret clinic in the Swiss Alps to cure women of their allergies. Bond goes undercover and visits the clinic pretending to be the London College of Arms expert on heraldry. Hijinks ensue.
Okay, some spoilers coming so be ready!!!
The movie was a hit, though a modest one. Reviews were mixed, though no one particularly loved Lazenby. For decades, it was considered a bit of a black sheep of the franchise. But film history has been kind to On Her Majesty's Secret Service. Critics have defended the movie, it’s more realistic approach, and a storyline that focuses more on spy work and less on gadgetry. Critics also speak highly of Diana Rigg and Savalas, and also say that Lazenby isn’t even as bad as everyone claimed; he was just in an unfair position of being judged next to the greatest Bond of all time. Any actor would have suffered in that situation. Now, decades later On Her Majesty’s Secret Service is usually listed among the best of the Bond films.
Everyone seems to love it. To which I have to say…
Everyone is wrong.
I just think this is not a good film at all. Let’s start with Lazenby…who is simply terrible. He’s not bad just because he’s being compared to Connery. He’s bad because he actually is, well, bad. He had never acted before, and you can tell. Look, I like Lazenby. He’s seems like a pretty cool guy in interviews and I’ve actually really liked him in some other movies (he’s a highlight in Kentucky Fried Movie). But he just isn’t any good here. His line readings are stiff and he is just unbelievable for most of the movie. He certainly knows how to throw a punch, but the editing and frame manipulation is so choppy that you can’t even enjoy the fights. I have friends who say, “but, if you ignore Lazenby, it’s a good movie.” Well, you can’t do that because he is James $%!$& Bond and he is in every single scene.
But even if I could ignore Lazenby, it would still be a bad film. It would have been a bad film even with Connery. People talk about the awesome spy stuff? When Bond goes undercover, his disguise is basically a kilt and a pair of glasses...but that's enough to fool Blofeld, who doesn't recognize his mortal enemy – even though they just met face-to-face in the last film. Bond meets an international bunch of ladies in Blofeld’s lair, who are being brainwashed Zoolander-style with funkadelic lighting to do Blofeld’s bidding. And Blofeld’s master plan? After sitting through what seems an eon of discussing earlobes and other genealogical traits, we discover his scheme is totally unrelated. He just wants to girls to take back some formulas to make every living thing in the world infertile. Huh? That’s your big plan? That’s the awesome, realistic plot that everyone is defending?
Meanwhile, we have the “B Plot” of Bond falling in love with Tracy. Her father basically bribes Bond to marry her because “she needs a man to tame her” which is already a bit awkward, and we are then treated to a montage of Bond and Tracy courting and falling in love while we listen to Louis Armstrong belt out “We Have All the Time in the World.” Right. Because romantic montages is what I want to see in a Bond film.
But the cardinal sin of the film is that for the most part it is just plain dull. Peter Hunt may have been a fine editor, but as a director he is out of his league, providing the film with no real pace or momentum. For most of the runtime, it’s just stagnant. Putting a rookie director with a rookie Bond together was a big mistake.
Is it really all that bad? No, to be fair, it isn’t. There are moments when the film works, such as an early sequence where Bond has to crack a safe to access some crucial information. It’s Lazenby’s best scene, actually, displaying the right balance of arrogance and nonchalance, and shows a hint of the Bond he could have perhaps grown into. I think Diana Rigg is also terrific as Tracy. I may not be particularly interested in that part of the plot, but she still does a great job with the character. She is considered one of the best Bond girls, and I understand why.
SPOILER ALERT: The movie is also famous for its downer ending. Bond actually marries Tracy (the fact that you believe this shows how good Diana Rigg actually is!), but as they drive off on their honeymoon, she is shot and killed by Blofeld and Co. It was pretty shocking at the time. Is that scene effective? Sort of. Blofeld driving away in the car while crippled in a neck brace is unintentionally funny. But Bond's reaction is Tracy's death is appropriately tragic. And the last shot of the film, Tracy's bloody head as seen through the cracked windshield, is superb. All in all, it's actually a good and tragic scene. SPOILER ALERT OVER.
What else did I like? There are some nifty ski stunts in the second half of the film. And then...I don't know, I guess that's it. There are long stretches of the film that aren't bad. They just aren't good. They are just utterly forgettable. And that's what this movie is - utterly forgettable.
RANKINGS:
Okay, this one is tough. Clearly On Her Majesty's Secret Service is near the bottom of the list. But is it the worst? Which one is more painful, You Only Live Twice or On Her Majesty's Secret Service? Do I select the stupid one or the boring one? What is a more grave sin for this franchise? If I was strapped to a chair and forced to watch one of the two, I would probably go for You Only Live Twice, but I think that is because I love Sean Connery and ninjas. On Her Majesty's Secret Service is probably a better movie. And in the end, I really do respect what it is trying to do, and I admire the guts it took to film that depressing ending. So there you go. It's a close one, but On Her Majesty's Secret Service comes in at #5. Here's the full list so far:
1. Thunderball
2. From Russia With Love
3. Goldfinger
4. Dr. No
5. On Her Majesty's Secret Service
6. You Only Live Twice
BEST LINE:
James Bond (last lines of the movie): It's all right. It's quite all right really. She's just having a rest. We'll be going on soon. There's no hurry, you see. We have all the time in the world.
TRIVIA:
Broccoli and Saltzman originally planned to explain the change in actors by saying that James Bond had undergone plastic surgery because his face was too recognizable to his enemies. That would have made sense from a plot standpoint, but was going to call too much attention to the casting which was already getting too much press. So instead they decided it would be better to address the change in actor with a cheeky joke in the beginning of the film: "This never happened to the other fella."
MVP:
For the second straight movie, I am going with John Barry who supplies On Her Majesty's Secret Service with a thrilling score, with terrific action music and one of his better love themes, "All the Time in the World." It's not his best Bond score certainly - that title belongs to either Goldfinger or You Only Live Twice - but this is Barry doing what he does best. If the movie doesn't seem like a proper Bond film, it at least sounds like one!
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