The #1 Best Christmas Movie of All Time: DIE HARD

Die Hard

You heard it right! Die Hard is not only the greatest action movie of all time, it is the greatest Christmas movie of all time. "Hey, James," you might argue, "just because the movie takes place during Christmas doesn't mean that it is a Christmas movie."

That's true.  But I really do think Die Hard is a great Christmas movie - why, it has all the staples of the Christmas movie genre all integrated and manipulated (some would say perverted) into a nice little explosive package. Both 'Ode to Joy' and 'Jingle Bells' make appearances on the soundtrack. There are Christmas presents ("show him the watch") and Christmas miracles (the FBI). I could even argue that the main story is a re-envisioning of the classic tale of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

Rudolph (New York cop John McClane) arrives at a new and unusual place, the North Pole (Los Angeles) where he is out-of-place and unwelcome. At the Christmas party, it is clear that no one wants him there, and they won't let him play their reindeer games. But then a crisis occurs and a horrible blizzard covers the earth (terrorists take over the building) and the reindeer (LA locals) don't know what to do - Oh, no! Christmas is ruined!! But luckily, thanks to Rudolph's shiny nose (a gun and McClane's badassness), Christmas is saved (and a bunch of bad guys are blown up). It is too perfect!

In all seriousness, we all know Die Hard is a great film and I hope we have all seen it. The direction by John McTiernan (Predator) is smooth and intense. Jan de Bont's cinematography is superb, and reminds me how much talent this man has, despite the fact that he went on to become a director of lame films like Twister. The script by Jeb Stuart and Steven de Souza is probably their best work, equally tense and laugh out loud funny. And then there is the cast. This movie made Bruce Willis a star, and deservedly so. His performance as John McClane, the smug, cocky every man is amazing, someone we can instantly relate to and more importantly, believe in. There is nothing super human about McClane in the first Die Hard, unlike the character in the sequels and the heroes in countless other action movies. He gets hurt. A lot. And who does the hurting? Why, arguably the greatest bad guy in movie history, Hans Gruber, deliciously played by Alan Rickman. Hans is so smooth and calculating, you almost want him to win. Almost...

What I like most about the movie is the details - here is one you may not have noticed. The elevator is almost a character; it serves as the harbinger of bad things to come. Without fail, when you hear the elevator bing, something bad always happens. Next time you watch the movie, pay attention and you will see what I mean. I know this is intentional because what happens at the end of the movie when the elevator bings? It fricking explodes. A lovely little punchline to a subtle, running joke!

Okay, enough already. You've seen it. Go see it again. It's that good!


BEST LINE: In a movie full of brilliant lines, I feel I should quote the one that best sums up the holiday spirit of the movie:

Theo: [over the CB] "All right, listen up guys. 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except... the four assholes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation. "


MVP: The Grinch who almost stole Christmas himself, Alan Rickman as Hans Gruber. As good as Bruce Willis is, Rickman provided him with the perfect foil. His snake-like performance is cultured, polite, unassuming and absolutely more terrifying than all those loud, over-the-top, showy villains that dominated 80s action films put together. Who else could make a casual conversation about brand name suits sound so menacing?


TRIVIA: Bruce Willis is a lucky man. Almost every leading man in Hollywood turned down this movie (I have no idea why). But the script was read and passed on by Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Burt Reynolds, and even Richard Gere before Bruce Willis got his hands on it.

OSCARS NOMINATIONS: Best Editing, Visual Effects, Sound Effects Editing, and Sound.

2nd Best Christmas Movie Ever - It's A Wonderful Life

It's a Wonderful Life (60th Anniversary Edition)

It's a Wonderful Life is a classic for a reason, and it is hard to believe that it was not always regarded as such! In fact, when the movie came out shortly after World War 2, it failed at the box office. I don't really know why. Maybe audiences no longer were interested in the trials and tribulations of 'the every man,' or maybe they were tired of director Frank Capra's sugary sweetness, but either way, the movie tanked. Oh, it got nominated for a few Oscars but I think that was just the Academy being polite to favorite son Capra and recently returned war hero and star Jimmy Stewart.

It's a shame that it did not do well because the movie is superb, possibly the closest thing to a flawless film that either Capra or Stewart made. It took a few years (maybe decades) of repeated television broadcasts to brand the movie into the brains of the next generation and the Christmas classic eventually emerged triumphant.

It's a Wonderful Life is the story of George Bailey, a small town banker who dreams of bigger things, a better life, and traveling the world. But the responsibilities of family and work have kept him home, where it seems his life is growing bleaker by the minute. When it seems the bank will fail, Bailey makes the fateful decision to kill himself, thinking that everyone in his failed life would be better off without him. In the nick of time, a goofy angel named Clarence pops up and decides to actually show the depressed banker what the world would be like without George Bailey.

For a Christmas film, this is fairly dark - not subversively so like Nightmare Before Christmas, but in a reality-based way. The problems of George Bailey and the town are problems we all recognize, especially today in the worst economy since the Great Depression. And I have a friend who hates this movie because of its bleakness. He doesn't understand it and thinks that the lesson of the film is, don't bother having dreams because they aren't going to come true anyway. You're just going to be disappointed in yourself and your life, so why try? I think he missed the point completely. Bailey's dreams don't come true, fair enough.  But what the movie is trying to say is that even if your dreams don't come true, that doesn't mean you are useless, it doesn't mean that you don't make a difference in this world, that your life doesn't have value. Because it does. Every action we take effects someone in some way, and it is our actions that make us good people or not. It's a good lesson, and one worth remembering.

The movie has so many memorable parts - the high school party where the dance floor opens to reveal the school swimming pool beneath, Bailey offering to lasso the moon, the romantic telephone call/first kiss, the bank run, and Bailey's final dash through the town in the middle of a hard snowfall joyfully screaming "Merry Christmas!" The all-star cast brings out the best of the old studio system, with Stewart, Donna Reed, Lionel Barrymore, Thomas Mitchell, Henry Travers, Ward Bond, and countless other faces you recognize popping up and doing what they do best. It's a terrific film, and it is almost the best Christmas movie ever...but one other film beats it...but still, It's a Wonderful Life is superb entertainment, and deserves a spot on everyone's movie shelf.

MVP: I have to give it to Stewart, which is ironic since he wasn't sure he could even play the role. Emotionally drained from World War 2, he was very hesitant to jump back into his movie career, but his experiences only made his performance all the stronger. He is the heart of the film. His George Bailey wears his heart always on his sleeve, whether full of joy or sorrow. This is a man who cares, and we should care about him. And as a sidenote, it is ironic that he lost the Oscar for Best Actor to Fredric March who was playing a veteran returning from World War 2 in The Best Years of Our Lives.


OSCARS: Nominations for Best Actor (Stewart), Best Sound, Best Editing, Best Picture, and Best Director (Capra).


BEST LINE: : Clarence: "Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?"


TRIVIA: Now this one is a winner! In 1947, an FBI analyst submitted a memo on It's a Wonderful Life, in its file about Communist infiltration of Hollywood. The agent thought it was obvious that the film was an attempt to discredit the American banking community, "a common trick used by Communists."

The 3rd Best Christmas Movie Ever - A Christmas Story

A Christmas Story (Two-Disc Special Edition)

There is certainly a bias that many people have for movies they grew up with. For many of our favorites, our love probably has more to do with our memory than the quality of movie itself (Last Starfighter, anyone?). We're all guilty of this! I am happy to say that A Christmas Story is not such a movie. I did not grow up with it, only watching it for the first time just a few years ago. And the movie deserves its place as a holiday classic.

A Christmas Story follows the Parker family in a small American town in the 1940s. The main character is Ralphie, a cute little kid who needs only one thing to make his life complete: a Red Ryder BB gun. As the holiday looms closer, he struggles to stay on his best behavior through family issues, a difficult essay at school, and the neighborhood bully, all because he wants that Red Ryder gun.

The greatest strength of A Christmas Story lies in how relatable its humor is. Who has seen A Christmas Story and not thought at some point, "Hey, that happened to me!" How many of us as kids were obsessed with some G.I.Joe vehicle or Nintendo game the same way that Ralphie is obsessed with his Red Ryder gun - an obsession that is so powerful to a child that it literally is the end of the world if you don't get it! We've all been there. All of us can relate to it in some way.

Ultimately, that is the film's biggest strength and why it deserves to be on this list. A Christmas Story is OUR Christmas Story. Only maybe a little funnier.

BEST LINE: This line needs no introduction. We all know it...

Ralphie: Oh, fuuuddddggggeeeeee.

Narrator/Adult Ralphie: Only I didn't say fudge.

MVP: As entertaining as the film is, there is a major character who is so perfect that the MVP is in no doubt. And that is Darren McGaven as Mr. Parker, Ralphie's dad. McGaven shines in every scene he is in, whether it is his profanity-laced tirade as he tries to do home maintenance projects or his passionate love for a table lamp that looks like some French prostitute's leg or his delivery of what is probably the second best line of the movie. When looking at the box the leg lamp came in, he reads, "Fra-gee-lay. Must be Italian."

TRIVIA: Here is a crazy bit of trivia for you fans of the film. Can you imagine Mr. Parker being played by someone other than Darren McGaven? How about someone like...Jack Nicholson? Apparently he loved the story and the script, but the stars ultimately did not align. Good thing, too. As much as I like Nicholson, it would've been a completely different film.

The 4th Best Holiday Movie Ever: The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)

The Nightmare Before Christmas (2-Disc Collector's Edition + Digital Copy)

After the sugary sweetness of Emmet Otter, I think it is appropriate to go for something a bit more sour, and a bit more sinister - the visually inventive, stylishly produced, and devilishly clever Nightmare Before Christmas. Produced by Tim Burton, directed by Henry Selick, and featuring music and songs by Danny Elfman, The Nightmare Before Christmas was a modest hit when it was first released, but has since become regarded as a bonafide holiday classic.

Jack the Pumpkin King is tired of presiding over Halloween. Every year, it's the same old thing - goblins and skeletons and corpses. It gets sooooo old. In short, Jack has lost his faith. After wondering through the woods one night, he comes across Christmastown, and lo and behold, he sees a new way of doing things - there's snow, there's smiles, there are heads still attached to their bodies! Enamored by Christmas, Jack decides to make it his own, kidnapping Santa Claus and ordering his army of witches and ghouls to make toys for children around the Earth. Naturally, he learns the error of his ways. But along the way, we are treated to all sorts of material that is genuinely disturbing - little demon children plotting the best way to kill Santa Claus, skeleton reindeer (of course, the lead reindeer has a shiny red nose), and a horrific sleigh ride on Christmas night. Yet despite how subversive the film is, I am impressed at how the spirit of Christmas still comes through loud and clear, with all its purity intact. It's a delicate balance, but Burton and Co. pull it off.

Everybody brought their 'A' Game to the film, particularly the voice cast and Danny Elfman. He not only wrote a powerful score and several memorable and amusing songs ("Kidnap the Sandy Claws" and "Poor Jack" being highlights), but he also provided the singing voice for Jack.

The film also has one of the best entrances I have ever seen in either a horror or holiday movie. SPOILER: During the opening song, "This is Halloween," the townsfolk of Halloween-town celebrate while a scarecrow lights himself on fire and dives into the town fountain. And in a closeup, we see for the first time, Jack the Pumpkin King, rising from the fountain, enveloped in steam, his shiny skull gleaming in the moonlight, his skeletal face smug in evil triumph. It was an awe-inspiring moment for me, and one heckuva entrance. SPOILER ENDS.

I would not recommend the film for young children. It is perhaps a bit too dark for them. But don't wait too long. As unlikely as it may seem, Jack the Pumpkin King is rapidly becoming a season staple and his adventure should be seen by everyone.

BEST LINE: I don't want to ruin the context of the line, but when Jack howls to the moon, "I AM the Pumpkin King!!!!!" it is impossible not to feel the weight of his faith reborn. Great line, and great line delivery.

MVP: This is a tough call. Should I give it Burton? This was his vision, after all. Or to Selick, who directed that vision? Or Elfman, who so ably provided a dark and comical musical landscape for the vision to inhabit? No. None of them. I have to give the MVP to the team of stop motion animators. Because they actually brought the vision to life. Over three years of painstaking and downright painful work, the stop motion animators made all the characters live and breath, literally millimeter by millimeter. The result is impressive and this hardworking army of workers deserves to be recognized!

OSCAR NOMINATIONS: Best Visual Effects (it lost to Jurassic Park)

TRIVIA: Nightmare Before Christmas is not the first appearance of Jack. He can actually be seen clearly on top of one of Beetlejuice's hats in Beetlejuice (1988) and even showed up in one of Burton's earliest projects, Vincent (1982).

The 5th Best Holiday Movie Ever: Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas (1977)

Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas
I am not sure how many of you have heard of this. It isn't the most famous Christmas movie, nor the most successful, but it might be the sweetest. And as much as I want to roll my eyes and groan, I just found the sugary sweetness of Emmet Otter to be too sincere and too honest. You can't hate. You can only surrender to its warm fuzziness and wrap up in it like a warm blanket.

Directed by the late genius Jim Henson, Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas tells the story of an incredibly poor mother and son, who are struggling everyday to find enough money to eat. These are incredibly selfless people - I mean, uh, otters, and the one thing they want for Christmas is to get a nice gift for each other. There is a holiday pageant coming up so they both decide to enter to win the cash prize. But there is some stiff competition in the pageant as a hard rock band (The Riverbottom Nightmare Band, full of the meanest and slimiest animals) is ready to rock its way to a pageant victory.

So that's the plot. It's simple enough. What makes Emmet Otter a cut above other family holiday entertainment is its realism. A prevailing sense of sadness hangs over the first half of the film, when Emmet laments the death of his father and how he can't get enough work to provide for his mom. This isn't happy stuff. But Henson and Co. use this to teach valuable lessons to children about what is important in life - sticking by your family and being selfless and caring.

There are a few moments that are completely memorable. I loved them as a kid and I still love them now. There is an extended sequence when Emmet and his mother see the river has frozen over. They slide down a hill to the frozen river, and then run back up the hill to slide down again. Something about watching puppets running, sliding, running, sliding, and laughing hysterically the whole time - well, it doesn't really get old. The scene goes on and on and on, but that's fine. Emmet's life is so bleak that to actually see him break into joyful laughter is like sunshine bursting through the clouds. Henson lets this scene drag on because he knows the audience wants it to continue. Let the laughter go on a little bit longer...just a little bit, before Emmet has to go back to reality.

So there you go. I probably have to turn in my Man Card for liking this film. But I guarantee that in the privacy of his TV room, even the most macho guy is smiling at this movie. They just won't admit it!

I mean, look at this face! How could you hate this face???




MVP: Clearly Jim Henson. The man truly was a genius. Emmet Otter was one of his first experiments with using puppets to create a world and tell a long form story. Had the experiments been unsuccessful, we may have not seen The Muppet Movie, The Dark Crystal, etc. etc. He balances the film with the right amount of sentimentality and humor.


BEST LINE: At the pageant, the Riverbottom Nightmare Band sings a song about how bad they are. But because this is ultimately a kid's film, the evil things they sing about include:

"We know we're a mess.
But I does not like to be clean.
We don't brush our teeth'
Cause our toothache can help us stay mean!"

Silly, I know, but I laughed.


TRIVIA: When the movie first came out in 1977, Kermit the Frog gave a short introduction. It had a nice impact; here was a familiar face giving us a brief tour to this new little world. Unfortunately, when the Henson Company gave the Muppets to Disney, they had to edit out the intro because they no longer controlled the rights. Which is a bummer. If you can find the old DVD from a few years ago, you can probably get the version with Kermie's intro...