Immortals

Immortals

To be honest, I wasn't expecting much from Immortals and unbelievably, the movie did not even live up to those low expectations.  I didn't ask for much.  I just wanted something that looked cool and maybe had a fun fight or two.  That's not too much to ask for with director Tarsem Singh (The Cell), who has a keen eye for the visually stunning.  But right off the bat, I was disappointed.  Even though the movie's art direction seems like it would be cool, I couldn't tell because it is buried under murky photography and is hard to see.  Tarsem also pushes the costumes a bit too far - case in point, please refer to Ares' hat in the above picture.

As for the story, it is standard mythological fare.  King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) wants to release the evil Titans who are trapped in Mount Tartarus, thus destroying the Olympian gods and pretty much bringing about the end of the world.  The gods, led by Zeus (Luke Evans) need to stop him, but don't want to interfere because they think the humans have to exercise their free will or some nonsense like that.  Speaking of the humans, our heroes include Theseus (Henry Cavill), a beautiful oracle Phaedra (Freida Pinto), and a random thief Stavros (Stephen Dorff).  Together, they will take us on a classic adventure!

Except it is not so classic.  The movie wasn't good when I was watching it and it got worse the more I thought about it.  I don't even know where to begin with some of the stupidity in this movie.  Unable to write objectively, maybe I will let the characters speak for me.  Be warned, MASSIVE SPOILERS below.  I plan on ruining the whole movie.

Hi, I'm the general of the Greek army.  So we totally have this problem.  This dude named Hyperion is totally like trying to attack Mount Tartarus and release the Titans.  And we have to go somewhere safe because I don't think our remote mountain village is safe enough, even though the only way in is through a single rocky path that can easily be defended by a blind, one-armed chipmunk and maybe an old lady for backup.  But no, it is totally not safe here.  I know - why don't we go to Mount Tartarus!  That's the last thing Hyperion would expect and there is a big wall there, so that's cool.

Hey, I'm Theseus.  Do you know the only thing that Hyperion needs to release the Titans is this awesome Epirus bow?  And I totally found it in this little cave in my easily defended remote mountain village where Hyperion will never find it.  But you know what?  Even though this bow is pretty much useless to me but super important to him, I think I will take it out of its hiding place and away from the easily defended remote mountain village because it looks nice and creates cool laser arrows.  And I am totally not going to walk into that obvious ambush.  Oh, bummer, I totally just walked into an ambush.

Hi, I'm Zeus.  Even though the Titans are my mortal enemies and unleashing them will bring about the end of the world, I am not going to let the other gods interfere with events below on earth.  In fact, I am so confidant that the kid Theseus is up to the task, that I am totally going to kill any of my fellow gods who try and help him...oh, snap!  My own children just helped him.  Theseus walked into an ambush, so my son Ares saved his life and my daughter Athena gave him super fast horses to catch Hyperion before he can attack Mount Tartarus.  I guess I am going to have to execute Ares with my slow motion fire whip.  Not a big deal; I don't really even have a need for a God of War because I am that confidant that Theseus will kick butt.  So, Ares can die.  But I will let Athena live because she's blond and her hat doesn't intimidate me.  And Theseus can keep those lightning fast horses because that's totally not interfering at all...

So...Zeus here again.  Theseus totally wasn't up to the task.  Hyperion fired the Epirus bow and released the Titans from their prison.  And now these goofy bastards are running around in circles like over-caffeinated teenagers after prom, and it is up to me and my other four gods to fight them now.  I totally could have used a God of War right about now.  Damn it.  

Last entry - Zeus.  So I lost all three of my fellow god buddies, but managed to defeat all the Titans. But not really!  Fooled you!  I am actually floating in the clouds, waging an eternal battle against millions of Titans.  But no worries, because I also now have millions of other good guy gods who just magically happen to be hanging out in the clouds, helping me out.  But you know what I just realized, I blew this whole problem out of proportion to begin with.  Because releasing the Titans totally didn't bring about the end of the world.  I know that because I just visited Theseus' son and he's a cute, little kid living in a remote little mountain village whose main square is overwhelmed by a giant plastic statue of his dad.  So the world is at peace.  And I am up here in the heavens, fighting a war that will last forever because I am stupid.  Zeus out.

Wait, I know what you are thinking, "James, the bad guys win?" Yes, yes, they kind of do.  But you know, it doesn't even matter because it has NO IMPACT in the world whatsoever.  We even have inspiring, happy ending ending music to trick us into thinking the good guys won.  But they didn't. So why the hell did they even make this movie?

Sure, there are a few moments here that I like.  I like that Tarsem depicts the gods as all young and beautiful (because let's face it, if you were a god, wouldn't you want to make yourself buff for all eternity?).  Luke Evans and Mickey Rourke seem to be having fun.  And the final fight between Theseus and Hyperion looked like it could have been pretty brutal if the camera had held still for a second.  But I don't want to talk about the good moments because they are few and far between and it all adds up to nothing.  This is a big, fat turd.  And the more I think about it, the more stinky it gets.

MVP:
I guess Luke Evans.  Despite the fact that the story forces Zeus to do something stupid time and time again, Evans approaches the role with enough dignity that I almost believe his actions.  Almost.  Evans is believable if his actions are not.  And he does approach the role with a charismatic physicality that is probably more in line with mythology than the old, wizened Zeus we normally see in movies.  I actually liked Evans a lot and hope he gets more work, despite this movie.

BEST LINE:
Ugh, do I have to think of one?  Bleah.

The Expendables

The Expendables

After rejuvenating his career and saving Rocky and Rambo from the depths of crappiness, Sylvester Stallone turned his attention to the straight action movie. This is old school action. when men were manly men, good is good, bad is bad, and the explosions are big. Simply put, The Expendables is Stallone's love letter to the big, dumb 80's action movie.

And like a dumb 80's action movie, the plot is pretty simple. The Expendables are a rugged group of mercenaries led by Stallone that is hired to take down a dictator in a small Latin American island. Done. Synopsis over.

But look at the cast he's assembled to play his combatants! Stallone is joined from the some of the big tough guys of the last twenty years - Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Steve Austin, Eric Roberts, Randy Couture, Mickey Rourke, and Terry Crews (plus a nice cameo from Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger). That's an impressive roster of muscle.

Unfortunately, Stallone is a little too accurate to the 80's action film because he picks up the bad parts elements of the genre as well as the good. So that means the women characters are all there to be saved by our heroes and have no role or personality other than that. It also means the writing is stiff and the humor...well, these guys are all trying really, really hard to be funny. They want to be witty, spitting out one-liners and little jabs at each other, but it is all forced and painfully unfunny. For example, the big joke of one scene is when Statham introduces himself and Stallone to a pretty girl by saying, "I'm Buda and he's Pest." Hahahah, it's a pun, get it? Budapest! It's a city in Hungary! Plus, he called Stallone a pest. Hahahahaha.

Sigh.

The movie is full of awkward dialogue like this. I guess Stallone didn't learn something very important that two decades of hindsight should have given him. The 80's one liners were rarely funny unless they were spoken by Arnold. He's the only action star who could combine bad ass and comedy so effortlessly. Everybody else was just trying too hard. This movie shows that this rule still rings true.

But that's not to say the movie is all bad. If it is one thing we lost since the heyday of the action movie, it's that now every movie needs to have story arcs, character development, and all that fancy stuff that makes for good cinema. But what Stallone understands is that these movies aren't meant to be good cinema. They are meant to be explosive and fun. Who wants character development? I just want to see Stallone knock the crap out of Steve Austin! Instead of each character having a subplot, we wait for each character to have his big 'action' moment. And Stallone is nice and gives each character a standout fight, which is nice to see. He takes advantage of his cast's prowess.

So there you go. Once the characters stop talking and start punching, it movie starts to become a whole lot of fun. So good for Stallone for resurrecting a certain type of movie in all its good and bad glory. If this is your type of thing, you're in for a treat! 

BEST LINE: Yin (Jet Li): "I need more money. I work harder than the rest." Barney (Stallone): "No, you don't." Yin: "Yes, I do. Everything is harder for me. When I'm hurt the wound is bigger, because I am smaller. When I travel, I need to go farther."

MVP: This one is easy. As fun as it was to watch all these tough guys in a movie together, they were all upstaged by one thing - the automatic shotgun. Hale Caesar (Terry Crews) has a shotgun that he brags about early, and then you kind of forget about it. But when he unleashes that puppy during the movie's climactic battle...WOW. Best word to describe it.

TRIVIA: Stallone tried to gather even more old school tough guys for the movie, including Jean Claude Van Damme, Steven Siegal, and Wesley Snipes. They all couldn't participate for one reason or another. Well, there's always the sequel!  UPDATE: So the sequel is has now come out and sure enough, Stallone nabbed some nice additions to his cast, throwing Van Damme and Chuck Norris into the mix, along with bigger parts for Schwarzenegger and Willis.  For the third film, I hear he is hunting Wesley Snipes and Harrison Ford!