The Expendables

The Expendables

After rejuvenating his career and saving Rocky and Rambo from the depths of crappiness, Sylvester Stallone turned his attention to the straight action movie. This is old school action. when men were manly men, good is good, bad is bad, and the explosions are big. Simply put, The Expendables is Stallone's love letter to the big, dumb 80's action movie.

And like a dumb 80's action movie, the plot is pretty simple. The Expendables are a rugged group of mercenaries led by Stallone that is hired to take down a dictator in a small Latin American island. Done. Synopsis over.

But look at the cast he's assembled to play his combatants! Stallone is joined from the some of the big tough guys of the last twenty years - Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Steve Austin, Eric Roberts, Randy Couture, Mickey Rourke, and Terry Crews (plus a nice cameo from Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger). That's an impressive roster of muscle.

Unfortunately, Stallone is a little too accurate to the 80's action film because he picks up the bad parts elements of the genre as well as the good. So that means the women characters are all there to be saved by our heroes and have no role or personality other than that. It also means the writing is stiff and the humor...well, these guys are all trying really, really hard to be funny. They want to be witty, spitting out one-liners and little jabs at each other, but it is all forced and painfully unfunny. For example, the big joke of one scene is when Statham introduces himself and Stallone to a pretty girl by saying, "I'm Buda and he's Pest." Hahahah, it's a pun, get it? Budapest! It's a city in Hungary! Plus, he called Stallone a pest. Hahahahaha.

Sigh.

The movie is full of awkward dialogue like this. I guess Stallone didn't learn something very important that two decades of hindsight should have given him. The 80's one liners were rarely funny unless they were spoken by Arnold. He's the only action star who could combine bad ass and comedy so effortlessly. Everybody else was just trying too hard. This movie shows that this rule still rings true.

But that's not to say the movie is all bad. If it is one thing we lost since the heyday of the action movie, it's that now every movie needs to have story arcs, character development, and all that fancy stuff that makes for good cinema. But what Stallone understands is that these movies aren't meant to be good cinema. They are meant to be explosive and fun. Who wants character development? I just want to see Stallone knock the crap out of Steve Austin! Instead of each character having a subplot, we wait for each character to have his big 'action' moment. And Stallone is nice and gives each character a standout fight, which is nice to see. He takes advantage of his cast's prowess.

So there you go. Once the characters stop talking and start punching, it movie starts to become a whole lot of fun. So good for Stallone for resurrecting a certain type of movie in all its good and bad glory. If this is your type of thing, you're in for a treat! 

BEST LINE: Yin (Jet Li): "I need more money. I work harder than the rest." Barney (Stallone): "No, you don't." Yin: "Yes, I do. Everything is harder for me. When I'm hurt the wound is bigger, because I am smaller. When I travel, I need to go farther."

MVP: This one is easy. As fun as it was to watch all these tough guys in a movie together, they were all upstaged by one thing - the automatic shotgun. Hale Caesar (Terry Crews) has a shotgun that he brags about early, and then you kind of forget about it. But when he unleashes that puppy during the movie's climactic battle...WOW. Best word to describe it.

TRIVIA: Stallone tried to gather even more old school tough guys for the movie, including Jean Claude Van Damme, Steven Siegal, and Wesley Snipes. They all couldn't participate for one reason or another. Well, there's always the sequel!  UPDATE: So the sequel is has now come out and sure enough, Stallone nabbed some nice additions to his cast, throwing Van Damme and Chuck Norris into the mix, along with bigger parts for Schwarzenegger and Willis.  For the third film, I hear he is hunting Wesley Snipes and Harrison Ford!

Total Recall

Total Recall

First the bad news. Total Recall is over two decades old. When I realized that, I felt horrible. My back started aching, I thought I felt some arthritis in my knees, and a few more hairs turned gray. What the hell. I remember this movie coming out like it was yesterday. It can't be that old, can it? Is that possible?

And now, the good news.  Total Recall is just as awesome as it always was. Oh, maybe there are a few things that date the film here and there. Some of the hair styles, clothing, sets, and even some filmmaking aspects like the camera angles make it clear that this is a 1990 film. But nothing can hold this movie back from its rip-roaring, eye-bulging, exploding coolness.

Arnold Schwarzenegger stars as Doug Quaid, a humble construction worker on Earth. One day, he decides to visit Rekall, a company that sells vacation memories - providing you with the memory of an awesome trip without all the hassles of lost luggage, annoying locals, and tipping waiters. Arnold's vacation is a fantasy package that allows him to be a secret agent. The problem is, the Rekall people accidentally unlock a previous memory implant. Maybe Doug Quaid really is a secret agent. He certainly doesn't think he is...but then why is that gang of gunmen chasing him all of the sudden? The adventure that follows is a whirlwind ride, leading Quaid from Earth to Mars, where he finds himself into the middle of rebellion and intrigue.

On the superficial level, the film is a blast. Big explosions, fun villains (played by Ronny Cox and Michael Ironside), beautiful women (Sharon Stone and Rachel Ticotin), weird mutants, superb special effects, more explosions, this is an action-packed movie. But what makes it a cut above the other action flicks of the period is that it is actually very smart, thanks to a clever script by Dan O'Bannon, Ronald Shusett, and Gary Goldman. Believe it or not, it is almost Hitchcockian in its story loops - I know all those stuffy film lovers who love Hitchcock and hate Schwarzenegger are now flicking me off. But I dare them to take another look at this movie. If Hitchcock had ever directed a science fiction film, it would be this. It would certainly be less violent, but the story structure would probably be very much the same. The mistaken identities, the suspenseful double crosses, and the journey of the everyman into the hero have a lot in common with North by Northwest, The Man who Knew Too Much, and other Hitchcock greats.

And how about Arnold Schwarzenegger? He will also be best known as the Terminator and rightfully so, because it is such an iconic role and performance. But I have always felt that Total Recall plays more to his strengths as an actor - he plays befuddled and confused really well, and his unique gift is that he can do this while also being believably badass at the same time. And I don't care what people say about him as an actor, he has great comic timing, which is something this movie lets him play with in spades. Is it his best movie or his best role? Nope. But it might be his best performance.

You know, now that I think about it, maybe Total Recall being so old isn't such a bad thing. A movie needs to be at least 20 years old to be considered a classic. And I'm happy to report that Total Recall fits that description pretty damn well.

MVP: This one is tough. Arnold and Verhoeven are in peak form. The music by Jerry Goldsmith is one of his personal best scores and truly elevates the movie. But I think the winner is going to have to be a team of technicians led by Eric Brevig, Rob Bottin, Tim McGovern, and Alex Funke. This is the special effects team, and their work is truly superb. This is old school special effects at its finest, at its most perfect form, before CGI took over everything. Total Recall relies on matte paintings, miniatures, puppets, and all of it is almost seamless. The special effects were so good that the film won a Special Academy Award for the achievement. And they are still really good even today. Only in a few places do they show their age. For the most part, it looks even better than CGI. So for that, the special effects team gets worthy MVP.

BEST LINE: Quaid: "Consider that a divorce."

TRIVIA: Patrick Swayze was cast as Doug Quaid at one point, early in development. Nothing against Swayze, but that would have been...a different movie.

OSCARS: Special Achievement Award for Special Effects

OSCAR NOMINATIONS: Best Sound Effects Editing and Best Sound. Goldsmith was robbed. He wasn't even nominated. :(

SPECIAL NOTE: SPOILER. I think I need to discuss the ending of Total Recall. Heavy spoilers here, so don't continue if you want to preserve the surprise. In some ways, Total Recall was the Inception of its day. There are blurred lines of reality, and there is some question about whether the whole movie takes place in Arnold's head. Is the whole movie actually the vacation that Quaid purchased? There is a lot of debate about this. I personally think the movie IS in his head. Here's why: the vacation package he buys is called "Blue Skies on Mars." That's what happens by the end of the movie. The sequence of events described by the salesman is exactly like the sequence of events as played out in the film. The brunette in the computer program just happens to look exactly like the girl he meets on the adventure.

And where does the dude with the briefcase come from? Cohaagan doesn't yet know that Quaid has been 'activated,' so there is no way he could have sent the briefcase guy in, as the film later claims. No, that scene only works in the context of the 'mystery spy movie,' like one that has just been planted in Arnold's head. Need more proof? Let's go for something literal. When the Rekall spokesman is trying to convince Arnold that everything is a dream, he says that if he isn't careful, "the walls of reality could come crashing down." What happens next? The wall literally crashes down and a bunch of gun-toting bad guys charge through it. The whole movie is totally in his head. I'm sure of it!

Twins

Twins

I know I am a little late to the party, but I am starting to get into It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. The quirky and mean-spirited show has opened my eyes to what a comic gem Danny DeVito is. I was not much of a fan when I was growing up, but now I feel like I may have been missing something. I thought I had better revisit some of his golden oldies - and I started with the 1988 Ivan Reitman hit, Twins.

Twins begins with the description of a brilliant science experiment to mix the DNA of the world's best men and create the perfect superman. Instead they create twins - one is the super intelligent and super strong Arnold Schwarzenegger and the other is...well, he is Danny DeVito. Separated at birth, Twins is the story of how they find each other and have an adventure together. The idea of Schwarzenegger and DeVito as siblings was so clever that the movie was big hit at the box office. But the movie doesn't coast on its amusing premise alone. The two stars have an undeniable chemistry and are clearly having a grand time together. Schwarzenegger's blind and naive idealism clashing head-long into seedy, street smart DeVito's cynicism makes up the meat of the movie and provides the biggest laughs. And when the movie focuses on their relationship and their travels with sisters Marnie and Linda (Kelly Preston and Chloe Webb), the movie is genuinely funny, if a bit dated. Jokes that were funny in the 80s don't fly so well now - maybe because I'm older or maybe because they just aren't that funny. But overall, there are enough solid one-liners and fun set-pieces that you will still enjoy yourself. Twins is like that old, cozy blanket from childhood that you pull out of the closet - it may have holes and rips, but by golly, it still makes you feel warm.

I say most of the movie because the whole film isn't about these relationships. There is a real plot, too. And it is a cheesy, lame plot. DeVito has stolen a car with some "merchandise" that he is attempting to sell to a crooked corporation. But there is a hitman on his tail, providing the movie with an action climax that is wholly out-of-place with the rest of the picture. This part of the movie does not age well at all, and I'm not even sure why it's in there.

But it seems like Reitman and Co. realized this because the hitman plot takes up very little screen time until the end. Up to that point, let the cozy, ripped blanket keep you warm.

TRIVIA: So...there were two mismatched movie couples at the studio at this time. Schwarzenegger and DeVito were one. Hulk Hogan and Christopher Lloyd were the other. There were also two appropriate movies at the studio and for awhile it looked like the Hogan-Lloyd team was going to be starring in Twins. But then Schwarzenegger and DeVito ran in and snagged Twins first, leaving Hogan and Lloyd to star in the other movie - the unfortunate and forgettable Suburban Commando. Ah-nold, you dodged a bullet on that one!"

BEST LINE: Julius Benedict (Schwarzenegger): "The pavement was his enemy."

MVP: So here is the question - did DeVito win me over? Well, he may not have hit his Philadelphia brilliance, but yes. Yes, he did. The subversive little bastard sinks his teeth into the role and gives us a fun and lively performance. And he also gives us some genuine, dramatic moments that remind us that he is more than a comedian, but actually a good actor. But is he MVP? No way! The MVP clearly is the Austrian Oak himself. Arnold Schwarzenegger proved critics wrong with this movie. He wasn't just a brainless lunkhead who was only good at blowing stuff up. He was actually funny! Arnold shows a deft hand with comedy, with pitch perfect timing, terrifically naive line readings and an always funny deer-in-the-headlights stare. Arnold is all hugs and rainbows and love in this movie, and he is relishing the chance to turn his violent image on its head. It's a pity he didn't do more comedy. Sure, he had the stinkers in Junior and Jingle all the Way, but when cast right, he would be the funniest thing in the movie!