Unlike a lot of people, I have nothing against remakes, in principle. There are a lot of classic films that are remakes - Ben Hur, Maltese Falcon, Magnificent Seven, Fistful of Dollars...I could go on. But I am going to say right off the bat that the new Total Recall is most definitely not on this list...or even close to being on this list...I don't necessarily think it was a bad idea to remake the film, even though the Schwarzenegger Total Recall is a classic (click here to read my review of the original!). It's a neat story, and I would be open to seeing another interpretation of it. But 2012's Total Recall just doesn't work. It's just bland and blah and no fun at all.
Doug Quaid (Colin Farrell) is a factory worker in the future who is bored with his life. Even his super hot wife, Lori (played by the super hot Kate Beckinsale) can't shake him out of his funk. It doesn't help that he isn't sleeping well. He keeps having crazy action movie dreams where he is trying to escape with his girlfriend Melinda (Jessica Biel). Looking for a little excitement in his life, Doug goes to Rekall, a vacation memory business. Can't afford to really visit the rings of Saturn? Rekall will implant the memory for you for a fraction of the cost! You can even buy a specialty package where you can be someone else for a short time...even someone like a secret agent! Doug thinks that sounds like a fun vacation so picks the secret agent package. But something goes wrong during the operation. While implanting the memory, Rekall discovers that someone has already tampered with Quaid's mind. He might actually be a secret agent. Suddenly guards burst into the facility, a massive gun battle starts up, and the wild ride begins!
This is a fun science fiction concept merged with Alfred Hitchcock's "wrong man" conceit (as much as many love original Total Recall for its science fiction qualities, I happen to love it because I think it is Hitchcock on crack!). But what follows is generally a bland movie. There's not a lot I can point to that is necessarily bad about it. The actors are fine, the action scenes are fine, and the special effects are fine. Everything is just kind of fine...but nothing stands out as really cool or different or interesting. The exception is the technology used in the film. A lot of thought went into creating some cool science fiction concepts, such as The Drop, a giant metro train that descends through the Earth, traveling back and forth between England and Australia, which is called the Colony (for fans of the original, Australia replaces Mars). Of course, when The Drop hits the Earth's core, gravity flips, and everyone not strapped down kinda of floats around for a bit. When you think about it, does The Drop make a lick of sense? Not really, but I don't care. It's a nifty little idea.
But other than the technology, Total Recall really has nothing going for it. I think the biggest problem is they missed the whole point! The riddle of Total Recall is that the audience is not supposed to be sure if the story is real...maybe this whole adventure is just the vacation package that Doug Quaid purchased at Rekall! The new Total Recall kind of ignores this whole idea, despite a few obligatory throw away moments, scenes that I think are supposed to confuse the audience about what is reality, but are conceived in such a half ass way that no one could possibly believe them. And besides, this whole adventure is just exhausting! Doug Quaid leaps from firefight to firefight, falling off buildings, getting into car accidents...if this is his vacation package, then it is the WORST vacation ever. I would demand my money back. In the original film, Quaid actually goes on an adventure...despite his injuries, despite the number of times he almost dies, the whole plot is a roller coaster ride. It's fun! And I could easily see the original film as being a Rekall vacation package, leaving doubts in the audiences' minds even as the end credits roll. It's pretty remarkable. But there is nothing remarkable about the remake...it's dour, way too serious, and bleak. And despite it's title, it definitely is not Total Recall.
MVP:
I have to go with the technology again! There are just a lot of neat futuristic ideas in this movie. From phones implanted in people's hands to the crowded apartment complexes in The Colony to The Drop that I mentioned above, this movie just has a lot of fun art designing the future. Technology is easily the most interesting thing in the film, and an easy MVP!
BEST LINE:
Doug: If I'm not me, who the hell am I?
Lori: How would I know? I just work here.
Doug: Speculate.
Lori: If I had to guess, all the trouble Cohaagan's taken to hide you from the Resistance, you must be fairly important. And with your skill set, I think it's highly doubtful you're his gardener.
TRIVIA:
The one-shot fight scene was indeed shot in one take, and was performed by Colin Farrell himself instead of a stunt man. It took 22 tries to get the scene right.
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