Cuba is just plain awful. There is no other way to say it. It's just a terrible, terrible film. But it is also a good example of how awesome Sean Connery is and why he is one of the greatest movie stars in Hollywood history.
I will explain why later. But first, let's talk a bit about this mess of a film. Cuba follows the last days of the Batista presidency in Cuba, just as the revolution led by Fidel Castro is gaining real momentum. Realizing they are losing the war, Batista's generals hires badass mercenary Major Robert Dapes (Sean Connery) to help turn the tide against the rebels. But in a bit of a crazy coincidence, guess who else lives in Cuba? The answer is Alexandra Lopez (Brooke Adams) with whom Dapes had a passionate affair when he was serving in North Africa a decade earlier...when she was 15 and he was 30, mind you. So, uh, that is already a bit uncomfortable...but moving on...
Alexandra manages a factory that is in theory run by her no good, philandering husband, Juan Palido (Chris Sarandon, clearly practicing the douchebaggering he would perfect later in his career as Humperdink in Princess Bride). The factory is a hotbed of revolutionary activity that the movie would have you believe is all because Juan likes sleeping with one of his employees. And what else is going on here? Oh, yeah, there is a chubby American businessman (Jack Weston) representing American big business trying to take advantage of economic opportunities in the Cuban upheaval. And then there is a British businessman Donald Skinner (Denholm Elliot) who is in this movie for...I don't even know why he is in this movie. Elliot is awesome and he's just wasted and I don't even remember any of his scenes except for one funny site gag involving a door...which is admittedly pretty hilarious. This movie just plain makes no sense. Apparently, it wasn't making any sense to the cast, either. The script wasn't finished when they started production...and I actually don't think they ever finished it. This movie is just bizarre, and bizarrely bad.
And it is a shame, because there is some interesting things going on here. First of all, it is interesting to see the British take on the Cuban Revolution. Cuba kind of walks this strange tight rope. It is completely anti-Batista, but not quite anti-American, who just come across as silly and in a bit over their heads. And certainly Castro's men, who engage in several attacks against innocent civilians, don't come out looking good, either. In fact, in a way, you could say this movie is pro-British. The only character who comes out looking good is the British mercenary Dapes...and maybe that is the point. Maybe this whole movie represents the British rolling their eyes at the whole situation and saying that they are above such shenanigans. When Dapes arrives in Cuba, he quickly assesses the situation and knows that Castro is going to win. He really only stays in order to rekindle his affair with Alexandra because well, he is too morally superior to engage in the silly war, even if that is what he was hired to do. Oh, sure, he makes a few obligatory excursions with the troops, but I think those scenes exist only to reinforce that both sides in the struggle are lame and only Dapes is cool. So, yeah, maybe this movie is ultimately all about why the United Kingdom is awesome.
Or maybe I am just trying to force some order into what is otherwise an unorderly, horrifying mess. Take this MAJOR SPOILER for an example. At the climax of the film, Dapes is captured by the rebels. They try to engage Dapes in conversation and they are rebuked. Dapes lets them know that despises them because they aren't real soldiers, they won't fight in real battles, they are terrorists who prey on the innocent civilians and are just generally loathsome human beings. And then Batista's troops attack...you would think Dapes would be happy that he is about to be rescued...but instead he hijacks a tank and starts attacking Batista's men!!!
What. The. Hell.
So basically, Castro won the war because Sean Connery attacked the side he was supposed to be working for? It just doesn't make a lick of sense.
This movie just sucks. And with a director like Richard Lester (The Three Musketeers) and such a great cast...there is no excuse for a movie this atrocious.
BEST LINE:
Major Dapes: Why were those people shot?
Captain Ramirez: Perhaps because they were trying to escape.
Major Dapes: From what?
Captain Ramirez: From being shot.
MVP:
As I mentioned earlier, this movie is a great example of why Sean Connery is one of the greatest movie icons of all time. He actually has had a unique career among Hollywood stars. Allow me to explain myself: every star has hits and flops on their resume. But if you take James Bond out of the picture, then Sean Connery's ratio of hits and misses is absurdly unbalanced. If any other actor had made Zardoz, Meteor, First Knight, Shalako, and Sword of the Valiant, his career would have gone down in flames. But Sean Connery not only survived. He thrived. And no matter how bad the movie was, it never seemed to affect anyone's opinion of him. Unlike any actor I know, his persona existed separately from the body of his work. His awesomeness was so awesome that...well, it didn't matter how many movies like Cuba he made...people were going to love him anyway. Because he is Sean Connery. And even in this trash, he elevates above it all with his badassness. He really does fill a unique place in Hollywood history. And it sort of makes him the automatic MVP in any film he is in...
For those who aren't sure they agree with my theory, just look at his filmography on IMDB. He has a handful of movies that performed decently at the box office (Rising Sun, Entrapment, The Wind and the Lion) and he has a couple of movies that are genuinely good but flopped for some reason (Robin and Marian). But when you remove James Bond, how many blockbusters are there? Murder on the Orient Express and A Bridge Too Far, but he only had a small role in both. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and The Untouchables, but he is in a supporting role in those (even if he is easily the best thing in both those films). Hell, technically he is even the second lead in The Hunt for Red October and The Rock, even though he was clearly the major draw for both those films. That leaves us with...wait, what does that leave us with? Nothing else really...that's it. Those are his big hits. And it doesn't matter. Because nobody cares. Because Sean Connery is that amazing. Has any other actor achieved such status? It's remarkable. In a way, it makes me like Connery even more!
Anyway, that's a long winded way of saying he is MVP.
TRIVIA:
As the production could not film in Cuba, the majority of the filming took place in Spain.
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