Conan the Barbarian (2011)

My expectations were not high for the new Conan the Barbarian, but I was going to give it a fair fight.  It isn't right for me to compare it to the original Arnold Schwarzenegger film, which despite its problems, remains a fantasy powerhouse that still holds up today.  I could only take this film on its own merits.  But I had my doubts.  For one thing, director Marcus Nispel is not my favorite, having directed Pathfinder, which ranks high on my Top Ten Worst Films I've Ever Seen in the Theater List.  I don't even have an official list, but if I did, I know Pathfinder would be on it.

Not a remake so much as a new take on Robert E. Howard's original stories, Conan the Barbarian stars Jason Momoa (so tough as the Khal Drogo in Game of Thrones) as the ruthless warrior destined to be a king.  As a child, Conan's village is destroyed by the warlord Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang, Avatar) and his weird sorceress daughter Marique (Rose McGowan, Scream), who are searching for the shards of a magical helmet.  Once re-assembled, this helmet will allow its wearer to be all-powerful.  The shards have been spread out between all the barbarian tribes, so Khalar goes about his business of killing them all, including Conan's father (Ron Perlman, Hellboy).  Conan swears vengeance and grows up perfecting his skills as a warrior, ready at any moment to exact his avenging toll on Khalar Zym.

So what does the movie get right?  Surprisingly, more than I thought.  The movie looks pretty cool, with some nice sets and costumes.  The movie, filmed in Bulgaria, looks like a Conan movie should look.  And some of the acting is actually pretty decent, especially from Momoa, Lang and Rachel Nichols, who plays Tamara, Conan's love interest.  Momoa himself may not be Arnold, but he is a perfectly acceptable Conan.  He plays the part with real relish and panache.  And Lang looks like he is having a lot of fun as Khalar Zym, and makes for a good, entertaining villain.

A shame about the rest of the movie then!  I knew something was wrong from the very first moment when the voiceover narrator introduces the barbarous world of Conan and the narrator's voice belongs to...Morgan Freeman.  Yeah, you read that right.  Because when I want to hear about armies of ruthless barbarians raping and pillaging their way across an ancient landscape, the first voice I think of is Morgan Freeman's.

What were they thinking?

Some spoilers here, but do you actually care?  'What were they thinking' is that is the primary question in the movie.  Nispel is improving as a director and there are moments in the movie that work.  But whenever Conan the Barbarian threatens to become halfway decent, something bizarre happens and I say, "what were they thinking?!?!"  When the bad guys sneak onto Conan's boat during the dead of night, how come they are fighting in broad daylight in the next shot?  What were they thinking?  Later, Conan and his lady love leave the boat for some smoosh smoosh time on the rocky shoreline.  After said smooth smoosh time (in a little hut that happens to magically appear on the rocky shoreline, by the way), Tamara gets up and goes to the return to the boat.  Well, apparently, a massive forest has also magically sprouted between the hut and the shore.  Even though the hut was ON THE SHORE.  What were they thinking?!  How about Khalar Zym's secret weapon, the all-powerful helmet that does nothing but be heavy and make it hard for him to walk around.  It is pathetically useless.  What were they thinking?!

The main problem lies with the script.  There is some creativity buried in there, such as when Conan fights the sand warriors, but for the most part, it is a major rotten egg.  The storyline is badly constructed and the lines are pretty lame, such as Conan's life mantra: "I live.  I love.  I slay.  And I am content."  Ugh.

And I have to talk about the music.  I know I said I wouldn't compare the new Conan to the original, but with the music I have no choice.  The original Conan the Barbarian by Basil Poledouris is one of the most brilliant scores in film history.  That's a bold statement, but I am standing by it.  Full of power and passion, evoking the masters Alfred Newman and Miklos Rozca, Conan the Barbarian stands with Gone with the Wind, Star Wars, Jaws, Ben Hur, and all the other iconic titans of film scores.  What Steve Jablonsky creates for the new Conan is the epitome of blah; it is so blah that I can't remember anything about it.  I would prefer bad to completely unmemorable.  Nothing against Jablonsky, who did admirable work for Transformers and especially The Island, but he was in way over his head here.  Maybe it isn't fair for me to complain about this.  Maybe I'm just picky because I like film music.  I'll stop now.  Moving on.

Hm, actually there is only one more thing to say - apparently, the studio targeted the wrong audience for this movie.  When I saw it, I was expecting to see a lot of young teenage boys, eager for a chance to see some blood and nudity.  There were indeed a few teens in the audience.  But they were outnumbered by another constituency that I was shocked to see - middle aged women!  There were seriously more middle aged women in the theater for Conan than when I went to see The Help, all of them swooning at a buff Jason Momoa who does oblige them with a gratuitous butt shot.  This was all very strange to me.

That was a tangent there.  Sorry about that, but the tangent was more entertaining then the movie itself. It is time to reboot this franchise again.  You don't even have to go back to the drawing board.  Keep Momoa and art team, dump Nispel, Jablonsky, and definitely the writing staff.  Just re-arrange some pieces and try again.  You might come up with something worth watching.

TRIVIA: 
Brett Ratner was the original director, but dropped out.  I'm not the biggest fan of Ratner, but he has made some entertaining movies (the first Rush Hour) and he would have been an improvement.  Still, for the next Conan, they should really go after someone tough and ruthless.  Neil Marshall (Centurion) or Nicola Winding Refn (Valhalla Rising) would both be good choices.

MVP:
I'm actually not going for Momoa, but for Stephen Lang as Khalar Zym.  Momoa is a good Conan, but he can't rise beyond the ridiculous dialogue.  But Lang owns his scenes.  Recognizing the stupidity of what he is saying, he makes the right choice and goes all out.  It's a lot of fun watching him chew the scenery into chunks.  He breaths some life into the otherwise lifeless proceedings.  He even almost saves the worst scene in the whole movie, when Marique tries to seduce him.  Lang pushes her off and the look of disgust on his face is awesome - not only is he horrified at his daughter's depravity but in his own bad decision of being in this movie.  Maybe that's not what he was going for, but that's what I got out of it.  And it was cool.  Go Stephen Lang!

BEST LINE:
I am going to reverse this into the best worst line.  Time to bring back the "I live.  I love. I slay.  And I am content."  It makes me laugh.  It certainly doesn't have the badass ring of what is best to Arnold's Conan: "To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of the women."  Ah, good times.

And speaking of the lamentations of the women, have you guys seen Conan the Musical?  If not, you need to.  Check it out!!!

Avatar

Avatar

It has been twelve years since Titanic. Film lovers were waiting...patiently while The King of the World played with new cameras and fiddled with documentaries, waiting patiently for the director of our adolescent favorites - the first two Terminators, The Abyss, Aliens - seemed to be twiddling his thumbs deciding on his next project. And now after all that time, James Cameron is back. Was Avatar worth all the wait and suspense?

Time will tell. I think expectations on this movie are clouding everyone's judgement. Everyone expecting a masterpiece were sorely disappointed. Those who thought it was going to be bizarre turd with Smurfs were actually pleasantly surprised. I'm somewhere in the middle.

Avatar is the story of Jake (Sam Worthington), a paraplegic marine who comes to a faraway moon called Pandora. Human industry is encroaching on the planet, which is rich in an energy source called Unobtainium. Problem is, they are having trouble with 'the natives,' blue creatures called the Navi. The humans have a solution to solve the problem - scientists, led by Dr. Augustine (Sigourney Weaver) have created the Avatar program which involves the scientists placing their minds into genetically engineered Navi bodies. Looking like the local population will make it easier to open up discussions, learn about each other's cultures, and solve all problems peacefully.

Unfortunately, the folks in charge, led by industry suit Parker Selfridge (Giovanni Ribisi) and Col. Quaritch (a super buff Stephen Lang) want to use the Avatar program to infiltrate and eliminate the Navi. Our hero Jake is stuck in the middle, though there is never really any doubt about what decision he will make.

That's just the set up. It may sound creative, but as the plot kicks into gear, you realize you've seen this movie before. Many times before. I personally liked it more when it was called Dances with Wolves. I'm only half-joking. There is not an original beat, moment, or line in this screenplay. I knew who would die, when they would die, and generally how they would die the second they were introduced on screen. Even the dialogue all sounds really familiar, like we've heard it all before (because we have). Some have defended the story and the script, saying that Cameron was aiming for a 15-year old audience with the script. Fair enough, but when I was 15, I was watching Cameron's Aliens and The Abyss, which are both really well-written. He's usually a very good writer.

But what is interesting is that as unoriginal as the story is, the world Cameron has created is a STUNNER. I know that I rail against movies that are just spectacle over story, but when the spectacle is this good...wow, I get it. I understand the argument now. Pandora's animal life, the plant life, and the Navi themselves are beautiful, colorful, luscious, and very creative. A tremendous amount of time and love went into creating this world, and it shows. And unlike most other Hollywood blockbusters, you can see the budget onscreen. It's rare when you see a movie and you think, "huh, well, yes, I do believe that this cost $300 million!" The special effects are superb, with the best motion capture animations I have ever seen. The Navi look excellent and with a few exceptions look like actors in makeup as opposed to a digital creation. I don't think there should be a competition for Best Special Effects this year - the answer is obvious that Avatar should and will win. Other films need not apply.

And I think the spectacle is why Avatar is getting all this Best Picture awards attention. I could watch Jake wander across the lush jungles of Pandora for hours. I did not want the story to continue - I just wanted to watch Jake hanging out with the Navi. That movie is terrific (and in some ways, if Cameron had just made a science fiction fake documentary about Pandora, that could have been the best sci fi film ever). Shame we have to go back into the story mode, with all the battles, explosions, and betrayals you were expecting...

So all in all, a mixed bag. I definitely suggest you see it in the theater because it is that beautiful to look at. Just don't go in expecting a story, and you'll have a good time.

MVP: Clearly the special effects team is the MVP of the film. But what impressed me the most was the character of Neytiri, the daughter of the Navi chief and Jake's love interest - both the special effects and the motion capture performance of Zoe Saldana. I haven't seen a motion capture performance this good since Gollum. And it's not all digital - you can see Saldana in there acting her heart out. Every graceful movement is hers; it's a terrific physical performance. And the special effects team match her grace point for point, creating the most fully realized character in the film (and that includes the non-digital, human characters). It's an impressive feat, and well worth winning my Most Valuable Player of the movie.

TRIVIA: Cameron almost cast Michael Beihn in the role of Quaritch, but decided not to in the end. He was worried that because Beihn and Weaver were both in "Aliens," that casting both of them again would just be a distraction. While I disagree with that reasoning, I do have to say that Stephen Lang was pretty good in the role - appropriately grumpy, buff, and badass.

OSCARS: Cinematography, Art Direction, and Visual Effects.

OSCAR NOMINATIONS: Best Picture, Director, Score, Directing, Editing, Sound and Sound Editing.