Alice in Wonderland

Alice in Wonderland
You would think that Tim Burton and Alice in Wonderland would be a perfect match, a dynamic duo of perfection like Batman and Robin, Abbot and Costello or Cheese and Burgers. In so many ways, this movie could have been a classic, but instead Burton's inane film is just a series of one classic blunder after another. Alice in Wonderland completely and utterly fails to live up to its potential. This is easily Burton's worst film since his Planet of the Apes remake.

The problem is deep-rooted and lies in the very concept of the film. Instead of a remake or an adaptation of Lewis Carroll's stories, this is more of a sequel. A teenage Alice (Mia Wasikowska) returns to Wonderland - though she doesn't remember anything of her earlier adventure. The story that follows contains all of our familiar iconic characters, but instead of a romp through Wonderland, we have a bunch of gibberish about fate, magic swords, and The Chosen One. Burton has basically taken all of the characters from Wonderland and shoehorned them into a Chronicles of Narnia or Lord of the Rings movie. And they just don't fit. When the very concept is unsound, it is hard for any movie to recover.

Is the movie all bad? If nothing else, Burton has assembled a wonderful cast. Even if the movie is bombing, it was nice to hear Alan Rickman's Caterpillar and Stephen Fry's superb Cheshire Cat. Matt Lucas also does good work as Tweedledee and Tweedledum, and Helena Bodham Carter is a great Red Queen (more on her later). The cast and voice cast also includes Johnny Depp, Anne Hatheway, Christopher Lee, Crispen Glover, Michael Gough, Timothy Spall, and Michael Sheen - some do better than others, but you can't deny the talent up there on the screen.

Which leads me to Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter. This character is perfect for Depp and should have been a great opportunity. Instead, his Mad Hatter is just too mad. He is all over the place - schizophrenically changing accents and personalities with no rhyme or reason. As my friend said, "I don't know what he wants us to do with this performance."

Now you may say, "James, A) he is supposed to be crazy! or B) the performance is just great indicator of his madness!" To which I reply that Mad Hatter's performance only A) gave me a headache, and B) made me angry because Johnny Depp should know better than this. I don't care if he is supposed to be crazy. He's really just annoying.

What else can I say? Even the special effects are unremarkable and Wonderland looks...dare I say, it looks boring. It's all been done before. And that hurts to say when the visually inventive Burton is involved. Everything in this movie has been done before and done better. Alice in Wonderland could have and should have been so much more. What a waste.

TRIVIA: Here's something interesting - Burton didn't want to direct Alice in Wonderland at first because he felt there was no story. It was just a sequence of unconnected moments and that didn't interest him. Only when he found a central narrative to link everything together did he excitedly jump onboard. And this is the story that interested him?!? Did he just watch The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe and think "oh, there's my Alice in Wonderland story!"???  Stupid. SPOILER ALERT HERE: So at the end of the film, Alice has one of these flashback moments where she remembers everything from her first adventure, and we are treated to a quick montage of the famous Alice events - the tea party, painting the white roses with red paint, chasing the White Rabbit - and I thought to myself that "hey, that looks great. Why am I not watching that movie!?"

MVP: I have to go back to Helena Bodham Carter because she is terrific. Unlike Depp and Burton, who drop the ball with what should have been a home run, Carter completely embodies the Red Queen. This is a perfect synthesis of character and actor. She is wonderfully funny, vain, cruel, and clueless. She is an absolute treat to watch in this film. What a greater treat if she had been in a real Alice movie!

BEST LINE: "I need a pig here!"

OSCARS: Best Art Direction, Best Costume Design
OSCAR NOMINATIONS: Best Visual Effects

The #1 Best Christmas Movie of All Time: DIE HARD

Die Hard

You heard it right! Die Hard is not only the greatest action movie of all time, it is the greatest Christmas movie of all time. "Hey, James," you might argue, "just because the movie takes place during Christmas doesn't mean that it is a Christmas movie."

That's true.  But I really do think Die Hard is a great Christmas movie - why, it has all the staples of the Christmas movie genre all integrated and manipulated (some would say perverted) into a nice little explosive package. Both 'Ode to Joy' and 'Jingle Bells' make appearances on the soundtrack. There are Christmas presents ("show him the watch") and Christmas miracles (the FBI). I could even argue that the main story is a re-envisioning of the classic tale of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

Rudolph (New York cop John McClane) arrives at a new and unusual place, the North Pole (Los Angeles) where he is out-of-place and unwelcome. At the Christmas party, it is clear that no one wants him there, and they won't let him play their reindeer games. But then a crisis occurs and a horrible blizzard covers the earth (terrorists take over the building) and the reindeer (LA locals) don't know what to do - Oh, no! Christmas is ruined!! But luckily, thanks to Rudolph's shiny nose (a gun and McClane's badassness), Christmas is saved (and a bunch of bad guys are blown up). It is too perfect!

In all seriousness, we all know Die Hard is a great film and I hope we have all seen it. The direction by John McTiernan (Predator) is smooth and intense. Jan de Bont's cinematography is superb, and reminds me how much talent this man has, despite the fact that he went on to become a director of lame films like Twister. The script by Jeb Stuart and Steven de Souza is probably their best work, equally tense and laugh out loud funny. And then there is the cast. This movie made Bruce Willis a star, and deservedly so. His performance as John McClane, the smug, cocky every man is amazing, someone we can instantly relate to and more importantly, believe in. There is nothing super human about McClane in the first Die Hard, unlike the character in the sequels and the heroes in countless other action movies. He gets hurt. A lot. And who does the hurting? Why, arguably the greatest bad guy in movie history, Hans Gruber, deliciously played by Alan Rickman. Hans is so smooth and calculating, you almost want him to win. Almost...

What I like most about the movie is the details - here is one you may not have noticed. The elevator is almost a character; it serves as the harbinger of bad things to come. Without fail, when you hear the elevator bing, something bad always happens. Next time you watch the movie, pay attention and you will see what I mean. I know this is intentional because what happens at the end of the movie when the elevator bings? It fricking explodes. A lovely little punchline to a subtle, running joke!

Okay, enough already. You've seen it. Go see it again. It's that good!


BEST LINE: In a movie full of brilliant lines, I feel I should quote the one that best sums up the holiday spirit of the movie:

Theo: [over the CB] "All right, listen up guys. 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except... the four assholes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation. "


MVP: The Grinch who almost stole Christmas himself, Alan Rickman as Hans Gruber. As good as Bruce Willis is, Rickman provided him with the perfect foil. His snake-like performance is cultured, polite, unassuming and absolutely more terrifying than all those loud, over-the-top, showy villains that dominated 80s action films put together. Who else could make a casual conversation about brand name suits sound so menacing?


TRIVIA: Bruce Willis is a lucky man. Almost every leading man in Hollywood turned down this movie (I have no idea why). But the script was read and passed on by Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Burt Reynolds, and even Richard Gere before Bruce Willis got his hands on it.

OSCARS NOMINATIONS: Best Editing, Visual Effects, Sound Effects Editing, and Sound.