One Million Years B.C.

As you know, I am fascinated with trying to figure out why some movies stand the test of time, while other movies - some of which were big hits in their day - seem to disappear from the public consciousness.  It's a question I wrestled with as I reviewed The Vikings, Bad Day at Black Rock and The Best Years of Our Lives.  On a related note, I also find it fun when a single image from a movie becomes iconic while the movie itself has been largely forgotten.  

Case in point, the iconic image of Raquel Welch in the fur bikini from One Million Years B.C. This picture has appeared in film collages for the last half century.  I've seen it on posters, movie theater murals and in commercials.  It is even one of the posters Andy Dufresne hangs up in his cell in The Shawshank Redemption.  I'm willing to bet most people recognize the picture from their childhood, but just aren't sure where it is from. 

Not to say that One Million Years B.C. has completely disappeared.  This was a Hammer Production, after all, and that crazy English movie studio has a lot of fans out there (me, included).  But I'm willing to bet most folks in the general population have not seen or heard of this movie.  And as each generation passes, it will become more and more forgotten.  

And you know what?  Maybe that's not a bad thing.  One Million Years B.C. is not a particularly good movie, and maybe it's better if we let the mystery of Raquel Welch in that fur bikini stay just that: a mystery.  Maybe it's more alluring that way. 

I know that is getting the review off on a bad note.  That's not necessarily fair because One Million Years B.C. is not all bad.  There is a lot to like here.  Like many Hammer Films, it's kitschy fun, and I certainly enjoyed it more than the first time this story was told, in 1940's One Million B.C. starring Victor Mature. This is the story of Tonak (John Richardson), the son of Akhoba, the chief of a tribe of primitive humans living in cave that is much too close to an active volcano.  Though he is the favored son, Tonak angers his father one evening by not giving up his food when the chief is craving a little extra snack.  To be honest, this might be the most unappetizing piece of meat I've ever seen, just a shred of meat and fat hanging limply from a bone, but Ahkoba is hungry, damnit, and Tonak doesn't want to share.  Enraged, Ahkoba beats his son, exiles him from the tribe, and oh, throws him off a cliff just to make sure the point is clear. 

Wounded, Tonak wanders the wilderness, coming across all sorts of cannibals, dinosaurs and monsters before he discovers a beach and the peaceful Shell people who dwell there, including Loana (Raquel Welch, The Three Musketeers).  Tonak could make a home with these people, but he knows his destiny lies back with his own tribe (I can't say I agree with him on this one, but I guess Tonak really wants to find out what happened to that meat he lost.)

Look, this movie is not that good.  It is supremely silly, but there is still a lot of fun stuff to be had here.  For One Million Years B.C., Hammer Films partnered with one of the pioneers of stop motion animation - Ray Harryhausen.  Harryhausen's techniques are in top form.  And even if some of the dinosaurs look like animated models, there is still more excitement when the T-Rex and triceratops fight than any other beatdown in the movie.  Harryhausen brings excitement and creativity to these sequences that are genuinely fun.  

But what is most impressive about the film is the script...because it is all of three or four words.  We're in Prehistoric times and proper language hasn't been invented yet, and the filmmakers thought they'd be realistic about that.  You can sense the beginnings of language, the characters and monsters all have names, for example, but for the most part, they try to tell the story through grunts, groans, and knowing glances.  That is a gutsy move, and an insane risk with the box office.  But Hammer has the cajones to do it, and I have to tip my hat to them.  And they manage to tell a coherent story.  Sure, we have to pay extra attention to every look and the slightest movement to sort of figure the plot and relationships out, but they pull it off.  

I was also intrigued by the dynamics of the tribes.  Tonak and his tribe are all id.  Everything they do is fueled by individual self-interest.  They are pure desire.  Ahkoba wants that meat, damn it, no matter how gross it looks.  And later in the movie, Tonak really wants a spear that the Shell People made, and he is willing to fight anyone for it, and he doesn't care if these people just saved his life from a giant turtle. 

The Shell People are a bit more complex.  They are more community-based, and willing to spread the wealth for the common good.  Though certainly more docile and clearly not as effective fighters, they are more organized, well-fed and healthy.  They have built the first structured human society, and it is interesting to watch Tonak's id mentality butt heads against that, especially when there is no dialogue to hold our hand through the scenes.  There's a lot of interesting stuff going on here, and I applaud the filmmakers. 

I know what you're thinking: that's saying an awful lot of nice things or a movie I previously said wasn't very good.  Well, I'm sticking to it.  This movie isn't particularly good.  It really is silly.  And while it's impressive that they can tell a story with no dialogue, that story itself is really kind of dumb, and the finale, a big fight by an exploding volcano, is just bonkers (and not in a good way).  I don't think I can recommend this movie, except to Hammer fans.  For young girl-crazy teenagers, that poster of Raquel Welch in the fur bikini promises an adventure that is exciting and sexy, and the film certainly does not live up to that promise.  But at the same time, I admire it.  I am so impressed with the way the film is trying to tell its story.  That needs to be applauded, and it is a risk I wish more filmmakers would make today. 

MVP:

Honestly, I don't know.  I know the reason the MVP should win, but I don't know who deserves the credit. The best thing about this movie is its bold choice to forgo any dialogue.  I was impressed that they were able to tell a coherent story and still effectively incorporate interesting nuances to each society and their community structures.  Do I credit Don Chaffey, the director, or perhaps Michael Carreras, the producer/writer?  Or do I credit the filmmakers of the original One Million BC, who made a similar bold decision (though with less success, I think).  Ultimately, I probably need to give the MVP to Don Chaffey because he is the one who successfully translated the idea successfully for the big screen.  Yeah, I feel good about that.  Don Chaffey, whose wide range of credits includes Pete's Dragon, Jason and the Argonauts, and multiple episodes of MacGuyver and Charlie's Angels, gets his first MVP!  

BEST QUOTE: 

It's a tough call.  It probably has to be either "Ugh, grunt, ugh, Tonak, grunt grunt" or "Grunt, ugh, ugh, argh, ugh."  Too close to decide between those two classic bits of dialogue. 

TRIVIA:

Though Raquel Welch was the big box office draw for this film, and a fine actress, the producers must not have liked her grunting for this movie.  All of her dialogue was dubbed by Nikki van Der Zy, who also dubbed a lot of the female characters in the early Bond films.