The Spy Who Loved Me

The Spy Who Loved Me

Following the financial and critical drubbing of Man With the Golden Gun, the James Bond franchise was in dire straits. Many were calling for the franchise to call it a day. After all, nine films wasn't so bad a run, right?  Perhaps now was the time to get out.  Deeply in debt, one of the original partners Harry Saltzman did just that, selling his stake in the series and leaving Cubby Broccoli on his own.   Broccoli had a decision to make, and it is to his great credit that he stayed stubborn in his faith in the character. Instead of ending the series and salvaging what money he could, he doubled down and went out to make the biggest James Bond film ever.

The gamble worked.  The result was The Spy Who Loved Me and it ranks among the best of the franchise, and is easily the best film of the Roger Moore years.  For the director, Broccoli turned back to Lewis Gilbert, who had directed an earlier Bond smash hit, You Only Live Twice.  Personally, I don't think that was a particularly good movie, and I have to wonder if deep down Gilbert agreed.  Perhaps he realized the missed potential of the storyline and set about doing it the right way, because The Spy Who Loved Me has a lot of similarities. The plot is very similar - only this time instead of stealing space shuttles, the villains are stealing nuclear submarines.  The producers even wanted Blofeld back as the villain behind the nefarious plot; alas, that character and his organization SPECTRE were tied up in legal battles with Kevin McClory (see why in my Thunderball review), so instead of Blofeld we are given Karl Stromberg (who I personally think is a much stronger villain than Blofeld, anyway).

Nuclear submarines are disappearing out of the ocean.  Nobody knows what is happening, but both American and Soviet vessels have been targeted so the world's two super powers decide to work together to solve the mystery.  They order their top spies, England's James Bond and Russia's Anya Amasova (Agent Triple X) to work together. Unfortunately, the partnership is destined to be a bit of a rocky one since Bond had killed Amasova's Soviet assassin boyfriend in the film's intro.  Oops. Together, the two must take on Stromberg and his ultimate henchman, Jaws, a near invincible giant with metal teeth.

I'm not going to lie.  The Spy Who Loved Me has its share of problems, but for the most part, it's good.  It's very, very good.  After experimenting with Live and Let Die and Man with the Golden Gun, the production team finally finds the right way to use Roger Moore.  Every actor playing Bond has to walk that delicate balance between humor and danger, and The Spy Who Loved Me finds the formula that works best for Roger Moore.  He will save the day because of his deep sense of duty, but you get the sense that he would much rather charm the ladies or make a bad pun to taunt his enemies than actually throw a punch.  Which is not to say Moore's Bond isn't dangerous.  The ruthlessness with which he pushes one of Stromberg's henchmen off a roof in Cairo might be the most badass thing Moore did during his entire run as the character.  But this Bond doesn't seem to enjoy violence.  It's just a means to an end (which is usually in the lead Bond girl's bedroom!).  Most of the rest of the cast is also quite good, with acclaimed German actor Curd Jurgens starring as the admirably menacing megalomaniacal Stromberg and Richard Kiel's Jaws is a fan favorite for a reason, even if his metal teeth are a bit silly.  Even the crew of the American submarine is full of interesting faces and cool character actors (most of whom you would recognize from other films in the 1970s and 1980s).

The production design is also terrific, from the underwater car (the Lotus Esprit replacing the Aston Martin) to the super tanker to Stromberg's ocean headquarters - the Bond team, led once again by the legendary Ken Adam, really came through for Broccoli on this one, delivering spectacular work. I also have to mention the opening scene, which features an amazing cliff jump which ranks easily as the most famous Bond stunt ever - and possibly one of the most famous stunts in movie history.

All in all, Broccoli set out to make the biggest Bond film of all time, and he succeeded with flying colors.

So what's not to like?

Well, a couple of things.  Despite my earlier praise of the cast, I have to say that Barbara Bach is a bit of a weak link.  She isn't bad (and oh, there are some really bad Bond girls out there) and she certainly looks the part of a glamorous Russian spy, but her presence sort of flatlines whenever she has to speak any dialogue.  I don't know if the script or director let her down or if she was just really tired during the entire production, but she doesn't make the strong impression that a character as tough as Triple X should.

I am also a bit disappointed by the score, by Oscar-winning composer Marvin Hamlisch.  While his title song and love theme are quite good, he also felt the need to update Bond for the new era and litters disco tones throughout the soundtrack.  While not an abomination like Bill Conti's For Your Eyes Only, The Spy Who Loved Me just really disappoints and makes me miss John Barry - especially for a movie this good.  And the real shocker that The Spy Who Loved Me was the first Bond score to be nominated for an Oscar for Best Original Score!.  Huh?!?

The Spy Who Loved Me also foreshadows some of the silliness to come in future films.  We are far removed from the serious Bond of Dr. No and From Russia With Love.  Here, some of the humor is cartoonish, several puns don't work, and while the balance is struck well, it is clearly a sign of things to come - it is this childish humor that gives the Moore films such a bad reputation today (undeserved, I think).

All in all, this is a terrific film, and a great entry into the franchise.  Broccoli's gamble worked.

Shame he had to follow it up with Moonraker.

RANKINGS:

This is a tough one.  The Spy Who Loved Me earns its spot among the top films, but it is crowded up there with Connery's best.  I think I would put it in the #4 spot, after the Thunderball, From Russia With Love and Goldfinger set.

Here are how the rankings are coming together:

1. Thunderball
2. From Russia With Love
3. Goldfinger
4. The Spy Who Loved Me
5. Dr. No
6. Live and Let Die
7. Man with the Golden Gun
8. Diamonds Are Forever
9. On Her Majesty's Secret Service
10. You Only Live Twice


BEST LINE:

Again, it's all in the delivery.

Stromberg: Well, well, a British agent in love with a Russian agent.  Detente, indeed.


TRIVIA: 

As part of his "spare no expense" philosophy for this film, Cubby Broccoli hired esteemed director of photography Claude Renoir.  Renoir did great work on this film, but unfortunately his eyesight was failing him.  When it came time to work in the massive super tanker set, he was unable to light the film properly.  Desperate, production designer Ken Adam turned to one his best friends, legendary director Stanley Kubrick.  On the condition that his involvement would be kept absolutely secret Kubrick came to the set and supervised the look of those scenes, and the result is pretty remarkable.  The lighting, the use of symmetry...several of these scenes just have the look and feel of a Kubrick film.  That's a pretty cool bit of trivia, I think!  Also, Kubrick's stepdaughter Katherine created the metal dentures that Richard Kiel had to wear as Jaws.  So that's kinda neat, too.

MVP:

Ken Adam.  It's a no brainer.  Many thought he could not top his volcano set in You Only Live Twice, but Ken Adam did it twice in The Spy Who Loved Me.  First, Stromberg's ocean headquarters is a superb set - ranking as one of my favorite secret lairs ever.  And I have to go back to that sprawling super tanker set - the location of one of the most exciting climactic battles of the franchise as the escaped submarine crews and Bond try to defeat Stromberg's army and dismantle the nuclear weapons.  The battle is choreographed to take advantage of carefully placed levels, stairways, ramps, and little eccentricities that fill the set.  It's just a brilliant piece of work, and I actually think it's the best thing about the film. Ken Adam designed a lot of brilliant sets in his Bond career, but this one was the best.  And for that, he gets the MVP.

Man with the Golden Gun

Man with the Golden Gun

Man with the Golden Gun hurts.  That's probably the best way to put it.  Roger Moore's second outing as James Bond isn't awful (though there is a lot that is awful in it), but it should have been so much better.  There is so much potential here.  It could have - no, it should have been one of the great films of the franchise.  But unfortunately, it just doesn't come together.

That fact also makes Man with the Golden Gun a bit hard to review because so much of the film veers from good to bad and then back again (sometimes within the same scene).  This extends even to the plot.  Francisco Scaramanga is the world's greatest assassin, who uses a golden gun as his weapon of choice.  He charges $1 million a shot - which is all he ever needs to get the job done.  And it seems as if he has now set his sites on James Bond, sending a golden bullet to MI6 headquarters as a warning that he is targeting the British super spy.  Now Bond has to find out why before he is assassinated. That's an interesting plot, and not the type of story you ordinarily see in a Bond film.  Unfortunately, there is also a nonsense storyline about Scaramanga's solar powered super laser weapon that he plans to sell off to the highest bidder, a story device that is obviously shoehorned in because the studio wanted the villain's plan to be more grand while also taking advantage of the energy crisis impacting most of the world at that time.  The laser weapon is silly, and doesn't make any sense - Scaramanga is an isolated, refined man who does not like attention.  He prides himself on his secrecy.  So the fact that he is also a mad scientist who has created a laser weapon which he plans to very publicly auction off to the world's countries just doesn't make a lick of sense.

The film wastes a lot of time on this storyline - time that would have been better spent developing one of the major ideas of the film - that Bond and Scaramanga are two sides of the same coin.  A slight nudge in either direction, and you could easily believe that Bond and Scaramanga could be on the same side.  Bond is also the only man Scaramanga respects and perhaps even fears.  And this invigorates him; indeed the thought of competing against Bond is the only thing that breaks Scaramanga out of his quiet, stiff upper class stoicism.  It's a fascinating character dynamic...which sounds a whole lot more interesting in this paragraph than in the movie because the movie doesn't go there.   It certainly HINTS at it, and acknowledges it once with one short dialogue exchange at the end, but it never does anything with it.  Such potential wasted!

Unfortunately, the whole movie plays this way.  You have one of the very worst Bond girls in Britt Ekland's inept Miss Goodnight and one of the most intriguing in Maud Adams' Andrea.  You have some dark encounters (like Bond's separate interrogations of Scaramanga's arms dealer and Andrea) and some bizarre elements (like Scaramanga's flying car and fun-house death trap).  Bond films can be gritty and they can be absurd.  I don't think I've seen one that tries to mix the two like this, forcing the film into two tones that are completely at odds with each other.  So the movie as a whole just never really works.

I know this all sounds bad.  But I have to stress that there is a lot to like here, and it is definitely worth seeing because the elements that work are quite good.  Scaramanga and Bond's cat and mouse game is excellent, Andrea's storyline gives us one of the better twists of the entire franchise, and we even get a random and quite bad karate scene which is obviously in the movie to cash in on the martial arts craze sweeping theaters and doesn't make a lick of sense, but still manages to be entertaining at the same time.  And I of course need to mention the acting of Christopher Lee and Roger Moore, who play off each other really well.  Lee, who was a cousin of Ian Fleming, makes a superb Scaramanga. He is every bit Bond's equal and the fact that he is not James Bond's greatest enemy has nothing to do with Christopher Lee's performance and everything to do with bad storytelling!  

The movie also manages to do one other thing quite well.  Live and Let Die is a better film, but it can't survive the presence of Sheriff J.W. Pepper who drags the entire film down with him.  Well, J.W. Pepper was so inexplicably popular (WHY?!?!?!??!) that they brought him back for Man with the Golden Gun.  He is conveniently vacationing in Thailand and bumps into Bond during a car chase.  And once again he is the worst thing about the movie.  But Man with the Golden Gun pulls off the impossible; it survives his presence.

And that is pretty remarkable.


RANKINGS
It's interesting.  I put this film right up next to Live and Let Die, which is almost its polar opposite.  Live and Let Die, when you think about it, is pretty stupid, but it works for long stretches. Whereas Man with the Golden Gun should be so good, and just continues to let you down throughout the film's runtime.  But the film's potential and its good qualities are too intriguing for me put it too far down on the list.  I'd put it right in the middle, under Live and Let Die and above Diamonds are Forever.

So here are the rankings:

1. Thunderball
2. From Russia With Love
3. Goldfinger
4. Dr. No
5. Live and Let Die
6. Man with the Golden Gun
7. Diamonds are Forever
8. On Her Majesty's Secret Service
9. You Only Live Twice

BEST LINE: 

James Bond: I mean, sir, who would pay a million dollars to have me killed?
M: Jealous husbands!  Outraged chefs!  Humiliated tailors!  The list is endless!

TRIVIA: 
Man with the Golden Gun is important for another reason.  It was the last film co-produced by Harry Saltzman.  Saltzman and Broccoli's relationship had been souring over the course of the production and by the end of it, Saltzman (saddled with mounting debts) was forced to sell his stake in the franchise.  Among the many disagreements between Saltzman and Broccoli was whether or not to include a scene featuring an elephant stampede.  Broccoli and the production staff balked, but Saltzman continued looking into it.  He discovered in his research that elephants require a specific type of shoe for their feet when they are running on hard surfaces.

Months later, while filming in Thailand, Broccoli got a call that his 2,600 pairs of elephant shoes were ready (!!!).  Saltzman apparently ordered them, thinking he'd be able to convince everyone to include the scene.  When that didn't happen, I suppose he forgot to cancel the order.  Broccoli was incensed and refused to pay the shoemaker.  So far as I know, I don't think Eon has paid him back even to this day.


MVP:

I know you expect me to go with Christopher Lee.  And while Lee is terrific actor (and has won my MVP award in the past), he is not in serious contention for the award in Man with the Golden Gun.  Nope, the choice is really easy for this one.  I present you with this YouTube clip.  Be warned, you may want to consider watching this with no sound because the dialogue and corkscrew effect almost ruin what is...The. Greatest. Car. Stunt. Ever.

Yep, no special effects there.  That is a real car with a real driver in the first stunt ever conceived with a computer program.  The stunt team wasn't sure if it was even going to work.  They unbelievably got the stunt right on the first try.  When the director suggested they get a second take, the crew absolutely refused.

Shame about that damn corkscrew sound...still, that stunt gets my MVP!

Live and Let Die

Live and Let Die

With Diamonds are Forever a huge success at the box office, Cubby Broccoli and Harry Saltzman must have felt the franchise was back on track.  But just like that - Sean Connery declined to return and the producers found themselves once again trying to recast the iconic role of James Bond.  I can imagine there must have been a lot of pressure to find the right person - after all, last time they had gone through this process they had ended up with Lazenby!  Luckily, this time they went for the right actor - Roger Moore, known to audiences at the time from the TV show, The Saint.

Roger Moore catches a lot of heat from people these days.  They point to the films under his watch as among the worst of the series, accusing them of being silly, indulgent and representative of everything bad about the franchise.  I think people just forget what decade we were in.  These were the funky 1970s.  I also think that people who don't like the absurdity of the Moore years conveniently forget that the run of self-referential craziness did not begin with Moore, but with Connery in Diamonds are Forever (some would even argue that it started with You Only Live Twice, but I disagree with that.  You Only Live Twice thinks its being awesome.  Diamonds are Forever is in on the joke and is laughing with you. There's a BIG difference).   Roger Moore's films were also always in on the joke, with the star continuously winking at the audience in between gunshots and martinis, and trusting that the audience was winking back.  And I would argue that Roger Moore was absolutely the right man for the job.

When George Lazenby left the role after On Her Majesty's Secret Service, he said that Bond had no place in the 1970s.  And to his credit, he was right.  The Bond of the 1960s - the last gasp of British superiority in the wake of their Empire's breakup - would have quickly become archaic in the new decade.  What Lazenby (and many critics of the day) did not expect is that Bond could adapt with the times, continually re-inventing himself - sure, the franchise would shamelessly take advantage of the hot topics and fashions of the day, and while that has dated some of the films, it has also contributed to the franchise's longevity.

The hot genre of the early 1970s was blaxploitation, and Live and Let Die jumps right into the pool, trying to cash in on the same vibe that brought Shaft and Superfly box office glory.  The film is full of the archetypes and cliches that fill blaxploitation films, including even a plot about drug trafficking - hardly a scheme that should merit the attention of a super spy who is used to battling megalomaniac super villains.  In Live and Let Die, Bond is going up against strange group of villains, including a voodoo dancer/assassin Baron Samedi (Geoffrey Holder) and drug dealer Kananga (Yaphet Kotto). Kotto also uses a tarot card reader Solitaire to help him identify and kill his enemies - given that this beautiful psychic is played by the radiant Jane Seymour, it's a sure thing that Bond will be interested in, uh, getting a psychic reading himself.

There is actually quite a lot to like in Live and Let Die.  The blaxploitation stuff is ridiculous and dated, but is also so bizarre that it is more funny than offensive (for example, the bad guys drive a "pimp-mobile").  Director Guy Hamilton (Goldfinger) is back in the director's chair and pushes the film along at a nice clip, with some marvelous set pieces - a terrific car chase with a shoddy old bus, an awesome way to dispose of poisonous snakes, and a scene where Bond is trapped on a small island surrounded by alligators.  The villains are acceptable, if not up to the standards of the Connery era (Red Grant, Oddjob, and Fiona Volpe will never be topped).  Most importantly, Eon Productions had now found a worthy replacement in the lead.  Roger Moore makes a great debut in the role.  He certainly was not as physical or dangerous as Connery, and perhaps he knew how to throw a punchline better than a punch, but that is exactly what is needed in this film.  And I also think the music merits a special mention - the title song was written by Paul McCartney, and it easily ranks as one of the series' best.

The movie certainly has its share of misses in the first 2/3 of the film, but it also hits just as much. Unfortunately, at the two-thirds mark, it all falls apart.  In the middle of what should be an exciting boat chase, we are introduced to the comic relief, actor Clifton James as Sherif J.W. Pepper - a character so annoying and ridiculous that he drags the entire film down with his bloated stupidity. That audiences enjoyed this character is beyond me, but apparently they did.  If anyone needs proof that drugs were too readily available during the 1970s - that's your proof.

Ultimately, Pepper is not in the film for that long, but the movie never recovers.  The rest of the film, featuring Bond's rescue of Solitaire and his final fight with Kananga, is kind of blah - it's almost like Pepper sucked all the energy out of the production, and the rest of the cast and crew are just going through the motions, trying to finish the film as quickly as possible so they can all go home and shower off the tainted odor Pepper has left on them.  Ugh, I hate that character so much.

So in the end, what can I say?  If you could only see one film in the Bond franchise, this would not be it.  It wouldn't even be close.  But there is a lot to enjoy about the film, featuring a rocking main song, one of the most beautiful Bond girls, and a worthy debut for Roger Moore.

RANKINGS:

This is a tough one. In a way, Live and Let Die and Diamonds are Forever have a lot in common. Both have many of the same problems and strengths.  But ultimately, I think Live and Let Die is a stronger film.  It has a more clear voice and handles the balance between the serious and absurd with much more grace.  They run close in the ratings, but I think I am going to tip the balance in Live and Let Die's favor.

So the rankings so like this:

1. Thunderball
2. From Russia With Love
3. Goldfinger
4. Dr. No
5. Live and Let Die
6. Diamonds are Forever
7. On Her Majesty's Secret Service
8. You Only Live Twice


BEST LINE:

Hamilton: Whose funeral is this? 
Old man: Yours.

What a fun scene!

TRIVIA:

Kananga was named after Ross Kananga who worked on the film to help with the alligator scenes.  He was the owner of the alligator farm used in one of the more memorable sequences in the movie (and that sign in the movie, "Warning: Trespassers will be eaten!" is really on his front gate).  He also performed the big stunt in the film when Bond jumps across the backs of the alligators to escape.  The producers liked Ross so much that they decided to rename the villain of the film in his honor.

MVP:

So this one is tough.  There are three serious contenders.  Do I go with Roger Moore who showed that someone else other than Connery could succeed at playing James Bond?

Or do I go with Jane Seymour? Because its Jane Seymour.  Solitaire, while she isn't the most assertive or tough Bond girl, is an interesting character.  And plus, she has that delectable English accent.  And it's Jane Seymour!  I mean, look at her!

But in the end, the winner isn't Moore or Seymour.  If there is one thing about this movie that truly elevates it, it's that main title song by Paul McCartney.  Apparently, the song was so expensive that it ate up the entire music budget, which is why there is no real film score.  John Barry was missed, though the instrumental variations on the title song admirably fill in.  The song "Live and Let Die" was a big hit, and was the first Bond song to be nominated for an Oscar (ultimately losing to "The Way We Were" by Marvin Hamlisch).  This song is amazing, and is the perfect piece of rock music to usher Bond into a new era.  It's the most memorable and badass thing about this film.  So it has to win the MVP.

Diamonds are Forever

Diamonds are Forever

Eon Productions was in a weird spot.  Even though its box office did not live up to the dizzying heights of the Connery era, On Her Majesty's Secret Service was still a success and producers Broccoli and Saltzman had planned to continue the series with George Lazenby as Bond.  But as the 1970s started, Lazenby thought the wind was heading in a different direction, and that Bond was an archaic, violent brute who had no place in the changing world.  So he gave up the role (which he has since admitted was not the best idea in the world).  And once again, Eon had to look for a new Bond. They considered Burt Reynolds (Deliverance), Adam West (the Batman TV show) and Michael Gambon (Dumbledore in the last few Harry Potter films), and even hired American John Gavin (Spartacus) at one point.  The studio, United Artists, was understandably uneasy.  Maybe the franchise really was becoming outdated. Maybe they had all taken it as far as it could reasonably go. To hedge their bets, they wanted Sean Connery back and applied pressure on Broccoli and Saltzman to get it done...no matter what the cost.

The news exploded like wildfire.  The original Bond was coming back to save the day.  But he didn't come cheap.  His salary was a then record 1.25 million pounds (most of which he donated to the Scottish International Educational Trust).  For a director, the producers turned to Guy Hamilton, who had guided the franchise to one of its greatest successes with Goldfinger.  But even with the return of Connery and Hamilton, the final result was a bit of a mixed bag.  Critics didn't seem to like Diamonds Are Forever all that much, and history has been even more unkind to it.  It is routinely ranked among the worst of the franchise, and easily as the worst under Connery's watch.  But is it really that bad?

I guess it depends on who you ask.  The plot is certainly a bit thin.  Bond goes undercover as a diamond smuggler, only to discover his nemesis Blofeld is using the diamonds to create another super laser weapon with which he will hold the world hostage (because super laser weapons obviously need diamonds to function properly).  But there are worse plots in the series, so that's not really worth complaining about.  I think critics didn't like Diamonds are Forever because it is so bizarre.  After the deadly serious ending of On Her Majesty's Secret Service, Eon seems to have gone too far in the other direction.  And make no mistake, the camp and absurdity of the Roger Moore era really pales in comparison to some of the shenanigans going on here.  And the fact that the franchise went from being a serious spy thriller in 1961 to featuring over-the-top moon buggy chases less than 10 years later must have driven critics crazy!

But I kinda dig it!  There is a bizarre charm to Diamonds are Forever that I appreciate.  But more on that in minute...

...because there are some really bad things about this film that it is only fair to mention.  Much of the humor is forced, the movie drags in some places, the gadgets are among the worst (a mousetrap gun holster?!?!), the climax of the film, a battle on an oil platform, is shockingly bad.  From the moment Bond arrives at the platform, walking across the ocean in a giant inflatable ball (you read that right), until the end credits, the film is almost unwatchable.  And how did SPECTRE, whose previous base was a volcano, for crying out loud, get reduced to hiding out on an oil rig??

I also realized something about the franchise - Blofeld is actually not a very good villain.  When he was mysterious and off-camera, he was menacing and terrifying, but as soon as they revealed him in You Only Live Twice, he ceased to be scary or even a worthy opponent for Bond.  Donald Pleasance and Telly Savalas were not very memorable in their takes on the role, and Charles Gray, who plays Blofeld here, is the worst, least threatening Blofeld of them all.  What a waste of a nemesis!

But there is also lot of good stuff in here, as well!  Connery returns and immediately erases all memories of Lazenby.  John Barry delivers yet another superb score, showing that he was not running short of ideas even seven movies in.  Bond girl Jill St. John does a fine job, though her character runs out of things to do fairly quickly.  There is an excellent car chase in a Vegas parking lot and an excellent, brutal fight in an elevator.  And a lot of the aforementioned weirdness just...works.  So, you may ask why I enjoy the camp in Diamonds are Forever and yet loathe You Only Live Twice.  The reason is one of intention - You Only Live Twice thought it was being just as cool as the other films in the franchise, whereas Diamonds are Forever knows exactly what it is: an over-the-top, absurd mess. Just look at the strangeness in this movie - strange henchmen/lovers, Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint, Blofeld running around in drag, Bambi and Thumper, swimming pool fight scenes, that moon buggy chase...a moon buggy chase?!  This is bizarre stuff and once I understood the strange nature of the roller coaster ride Hamilton put me on, I just sat back and enjoyed the ride.  Is Diamonds are Forever good? Maybe. But probably not.  But it certainly fun, and I think it deserves a second look.


RANKINGS:

So film history has decided that Diamonds are Forever should be near the bottom of the list, but I think it there is too much fun stuff to relegate it there.  It is certainly far below the Dr. No, From Russia with Love, Goldfinger and Thunderball.  But I'd certainly rank it higher than On Her Majesty's Secret Service and You Only Live Twice.  I think it will fall very comfortably in the middle.

1. Thunderball
2. From Russia with Love
3. Goldfinger
4. Dr. No
5. Diamonds are Forever
6. On Her Majesty's Secret Service
7. You Only Live Twice

MVP:

So this should show you how awesome Sean Connery is.  Diamonds are Forever is not even close to his best performance as Bond.  He is starting to look a bit old and uninterested.  There are scenes where I can just tell he doesn't want to be there (especially in the end).  And you know what?  It doesn't matter.  Because it's Sean Connery playing James Bond and he's just awesome at it, plain and simple.  He just elevates the movie, playing the comedy and the danger with equal panache.  It should tell you something that Connery is not even in peak form and he's still the best thing about the movie and the clear MVP!

BEST LINE:

James Bond: Weren't you a blonde when I came in?
Tiffany Case: Could be.
James Bond: I tend to notice little things like that - whether a girl is blonde or brunette.
Tiffany Case: Which do you prefer?
James Bond: Well, as long as the collar and cuffs match...

TRIVIA:

The original plot involved Auric Goldfinger's twin brother (also played by Gert Frobe) on a mission to avenge his brother's death.  That would have been...not good.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

Sean Connery did not have a pleasant experience filming You Only Live Twice.  Mobbed by fans, sometimes dangerously so, feeling undervalued and underpaid, and tired of being addressed as Mr. Bond instead of Mr. Connery, the volatile Scot was ready to call it quits.  I’m sure the fact that the films were growing increasingly over-the-top didn’t help.  With their super star leaving the franchise, producers Albert Broccoli and Harry Saltzman were in a bit of a bind – basically, they had to prove that the character was bigger than the star.  And even though it was a massive hit in the box office, they also recognized that they may have gone a bit overboard with You Only Live Twice (you think?!?!). 

And so we find ourselves with On Her Majesty’s Secret Service starring a model from New Zealand, George Lazenby, in a plot that tried to stay down to Earth and follow Ian Fleming’s source novel more closely that the previous film.  Though he failed to capture Blofeld in Japan, Bond has not given up the hunt for his mortal enemy.  During his investigation, he meets Tracy, the rebellious daughter of Draco, the leader of one of Europe's major crime syndicates, who just happens to know how Bond can find Blofeld.  It seems the villainous leader of SPECTRE (played by Telly Savalas, who replaces Donald Pleasance) claims he wants to go straight, but he is clearly up to something strange.  He is petitioning the London College of Arms to be recognized as the Comte Balhazar de Bleuchamp of Switzerland, and he is also operating a secret clinic in the Swiss Alps to cure women of their allergies.  Bond goes undercover and visits the clinic pretending to be the London College of Arms expert on heraldry.  Hijinks ensue.

Okay, some spoilers coming so be ready!!!

The movie was a hit, though a modest one.  Reviews were mixed, though no one particularly loved Lazenby. For decades, it was considered a bit of a black sheep of the franchise.  But film history has been kind to On Her Majesty's Secret Service.  Critics have defended the movie, it’s more realistic approach, and a storyline that focuses more on spy work and less on gadgetry.  Critics also speak highly of Diana Rigg and Savalas, and also say that Lazenby isn’t even as bad as everyone claimed; he was just in an unfair position of being judged next to the greatest Bond of all time.  Any actor would have suffered in that situation. Now, decades later On Her Majesty’s Secret Service is usually listed among the best of the Bond films. 

Everyone seems to love it.  To which I have to say…

Everyone is wrong. 

I just think this is not a good film at all.  Let’s start with Lazenby…who is simply terrible.  He’s not bad just because he’s being compared to Connery.  He’s bad because he actually is, well, bad.  He had never acted before, and you can tell.   Look, I like Lazenby.  He’s seems like a pretty cool guy in interviews and I’ve actually really liked him in some other movies (he’s a highlight in Kentucky Fried Movie).  But he just isn’t any good here.  His line readings are stiff and he is just unbelievable for most of the movie.  He certainly knows how to throw a punch, but the editing and frame manipulation is so choppy that you can’t even enjoy the fights.  I have friends who say, “but, if you ignore Lazenby, it’s a good movie.”  Well, you can’t do that because he is James $%!$& Bond and he is in every single scene.

But even if I could ignore Lazenby, it would still be a bad film.  It would have been a bad film even with Connery.  People talk about the awesome spy stuff?  When Bond goes undercover, his disguise is basically a kilt and a pair of glasses...but that's enough to fool Blofeld, who doesn't recognize his mortal enemy – even though they just met face-to-face in the last film.  Bond meets an international bunch of ladies in Blofeld’s lair, who are being brainwashed Zoolander-style with funkadelic lighting to do Blofeld’s bidding.  And Blofeld’s master plan?  After sitting through what seems an eon of discussing earlobes and other genealogical traits, we discover his scheme is totally unrelated.  He just wants to girls to take back some formulas to make every living thing in the world infertile.  Huh?  That’s your big plan?  That’s the awesome, realistic plot that everyone is defending? 

Meanwhile, we have the “B Plot” of Bond falling in love with Tracy.  Her father basically bribes Bond to marry her because “she needs a man to tame her” which is already a bit awkward, and we are then treated to a montage of Bond and Tracy courting and falling in love while we listen to Louis Armstrong belt out “We Have All the Time in the World.”  Right.  Because romantic montages is what I want to see in a Bond film. 

But the cardinal sin of the film is that for the most part it is just plain dull.  Peter Hunt may have been a fine editor, but as a director he is out of his league, providing the film with no real pace or momentum. For most of the runtime, it’s just stagnant.  Putting a rookie director with a rookie Bond together was a big mistake.

Is it really all that bad?  No, to be fair, it isn’t.  There are moments when the film works, such as an early sequence where Bond has to crack a safe to access some crucial information.  It’s Lazenby’s best scene, actually, displaying the right balance of arrogance and nonchalance, and shows a hint of the Bond he could have perhaps grown into.  I think Diana Rigg is also terrific as Tracy.  I may not be particularly interested in that part of the plot, but she still does a great job with the character.  She is considered one of the best Bond girls, and I understand why.

SPOILER ALERT: The movie is also famous for its downer ending.  Bond actually marries Tracy (the fact that you believe this shows how good Diana Rigg actually is!), but as they drive off on their honeymoon, she is shot and killed by Blofeld and Co.  It was pretty shocking at the time.  Is that scene effective?  Sort of.  Blofeld driving away in the car while crippled in a neck brace is unintentionally funny.  But Bond's reaction is Tracy's death is appropriately tragic.  And the last shot of the film, Tracy's bloody head as seen through the cracked windshield, is superb.  All in all, it's actually a good and tragic scene.  SPOILER ALERT OVER.

What else did I like?  There are some nifty ski stunts in the second half of the film.  And then...I don't know, I guess that's it.  There are long stretches of the film that aren't bad.  They just aren't good. They are just utterly forgettable.  And that's what this movie is - utterly forgettable.  

RANKINGS:
Okay, this one is tough.  Clearly On Her Majesty's Secret Service is near the bottom of the list.  But is it the worst?  Which one is more painful, You Only Live Twice or On Her Majesty's Secret Service?  Do I select the stupid one or the boring one?  What is a more grave sin for this franchise?  If I was strapped to a chair and forced to watch one of the two, I would probably go for You Only Live Twice, but I think that is because I love Sean Connery and ninjas.  On Her Majesty's Secret Service is probably a better movie.  And in the end, I really do respect what it is trying to do, and I admire the guts it took to film that depressing ending.  So there you go.  It's a close one, but On Her Majesty's Secret Service comes in at #5.  Here's the full list so far:

1. Thunderball
2. From Russia With Love
3. Goldfinger
4. Dr. No
5. On Her Majesty's Secret Service
6. You Only Live Twice

BEST LINE:
James Bond (last lines of the movie): It's all right.  It's quite all right really.  She's just having a rest. We'll be going on soon.  There's no hurry, you see.  We have all the time in the world.  


TRIVIA:
Broccoli and Saltzman originally planned to explain the change in actors by saying that James Bond had undergone plastic surgery because his face was too recognizable to his enemies.  That would have made sense from a plot standpoint, but was going to call too much attention to the casting which was already getting too much press. So instead they decided it would be better to address the change in actor with a cheeky joke in the beginning of the film: "This never happened to the other fella."  


MVP: 
For the second straight movie, I am going with John Barry who supplies On Her Majesty's Secret Service with a thrilling score, with terrific action music and one of his better love themes, "All the Time in the World."  It's not his best Bond score certainly - that title belongs to either Goldfinger or You Only Live Twice - but this is Barry doing what he does best.  If the movie doesn't seem like a proper Bond film, it at least sounds like one! 

 

You Only Live Twice

You Only Live Twice

What the hell happened?!  The Bond franchise was consistently cranking out quality spy entertainment, had just produced the biggest hit of the series (Thunderball), and then they make this drek?  What were they thinking?!

Look, I understand there is law of diminishing returns when you start to make too many sequels.  But the dropoff in quality from the first four Bond films to You Only Live Twice is astounding and on the level of the epic Matrix to Matrix Reloaded dropoff.

Let me backtrack a bit.  The fifth film in the series finds James Bond faking his own death in order to go undercover and continue his battle with SPECTRE.  The nefarious organization refuses to stay down after their embarrassing defeat in Thunderball.  If anything, they are upping the ante.  Now they are capturing space shuttles and planting enough evidence so that cold war rivals United States and the Soviet Union blame each other.  Hopefully, this scheme will trigger a world war that SPECTRE would surely benefit from.  The Russians and Americans are belligerent and ready to fight immediately, but the British provide cooler heads and persuade the two super powers to wait until the mystery can be solved by their best man: James Bond.

Despite decent reviews and strong box office, I have to say that You Only Live Twice stinks.  It just absolutely stinks.  There are literally six things I like about this movie.  Literally.  Don't believe me?  Here we go:

1. Sean Connery is still awesome.  Maybe he's not up to Goldfinger and Thunderball levels, but he still gets the job done.  He is the best Bond of all time, after all.

2. John Barry writes ones of his most lush and lyrical Bond scores.  From the stunning love theme to the impending doom the music brings to the space shuttle scenes, Barry knocks this one out of the park.

3. The fight in the office with the sumo wrestler is pretty good.

4. There is one amazing aerial tracking shot of James Bond running along warehouse roofs near the Tokyo pier, fighting oncoming enemies along the way.  It's one helluva shot.  Kudos to Freddie Young, the three-time Oscar-winning Director of Photography who lensed this film.

5. The villain's base is inside a volcano, and let me tell you, that volcano set is pretty spectacular and a true highlight of Ken Adams' career.  Apparently the cost of that one set equaled the entire budget of Dr. No.

6. I like ninjas.

That's it.  That's what I like about You Only Live Twice.  What don't I like?  Well, how much time do you have?  Basically, the Bond formula has a reputation that includes both good and bad elements, and You Only Live Twice is like a greatest hits album of all that is bad about the franchise.  Stupid gadgets?  Check.  Dumb puns?  Check.  How about a villain monologuing and describing his master plan instead of killing Bond?  Check.  Or a villain killing his subordinates instead of killing Bond?  Check.  I also think that it is very telling that the Bond film most targeted by the Austin Powers' series is You Only Live Twice, right down to Dr. Evil's makeup and costume.

Let's get into some specifics here, since I feel like ranting.  SPOILER ALERT.

The plot doesn't make a lick of sense.  Part of the master plan is for Bond to go undercover as a Japanese fisherman until he can find SPECTRE's hidden base.  So they make Sean Connery Japanese.

...

Let me say that again.

They make Sean Connery Japanese.

They do this by giving him a Spock haircut and bushy eyebrows, and directing the six foot tall Connery to hunch over to look shorter and squint a lot.  Are you kidding me?  Then he goes to ninja school to learn to fight.  I don't know why.  But either way, it is obvious the master plan isn't working because the bad guys try to assassinate Bond two or three times while he is at the ninja school (and killing one of the film's two unmemorable Bond girls in the process).  What I don't understand is if SPECTRE knew Bond was at the ninja school and was disguised as a Japanese fisherman, then how come his disguise suddenly works so well once he leaves the school and goes to the Japanese fishing village?

Other nitpicks?  Little Nelly is silly.  Yes, I understand this gyrocopter was real and in principle I guess it is kind of neat.  But Connery just looks plain ridiculous flying that thing.  And the aerial fight sequence between the tiny Little Nelly and SPECTRE helicopters is just ridiculous.  I also don't understand the character of Helga Brandt (Karin Dor).  Her ruthlessness and red hair is certainly supposed to remind us of Fiona Volpe in Thunderball, but her character just makes no sense.  So she captures Bond and is about to torture him to death, but he bribes (and seduces) her into helping him escape.  Then when they are on the plane to Tokyo, she sabotages the plane and jumps out with a parachute, assuming Bond will crash.  Why?  Why?  Why does that make any sense?  If she was going to kill him, why not do it when he was tied up and already beaten?  Why go through the whole charade with the plane?  What was the point?  Look, I understand that the Bond formula can be absurd, but you can at least be creative about it!  In Live and Let Die, the villains strand Bond on a small island surrounded by alligators instead of just shooting him.  On a surface level, that is equally silly, but it also sets up a very cool stunt of Bond jumping on the backs of REAL alligators to get to back to the main land.  That's pretty damn cool.  And that's the way the formula is supposed to work.  When shitty villains like Helga Brandt appear and do shitty stuff that makes no sense, I understand why some people dislike the franchise.

And then we have the issue of Blofeld, James Bond's nemesis, the head of SPECTRE.  Up until now, we have never seen Blofeld beyond shots of his hands petting his cat.  But we've heard his ruthless and cold voice and we just knew he was a man to be reckoned with.  After a buildup of four films, we finally see Blofeld and the result is...well, Dr. Evil.

My opinion of You Only Live Twice was not affected by Mike Myers.  On the contrary, Dr. Evil is such a funny character because Myers hits the nail on the head - Donald Pleasance's Blofeld is as harmless as the cat he insists on petting on his lap.  He is one of the most underwhelming and weak sounding Bond villains of the franchise.  I don't blame Donald Pleasance.  He was a great actor and I am sure he had a great Blofeld in him.  I can only imagine it was the way he was written and directed.

Speaking of which, the script was by Roald Dahl instead of Richard Maibaum who wrote the previous films.  So let me get this straight...you need a new writer for the James Bond franchise and you go for the dude who wrote Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?

Come on, guys.  Get with it.  No wonder Sean Connery wanted to leave the series after this movie.  It just sucks.  Done.  I don't have anything else to say.

RANKINGS:

Well, I think this is pretty obvious.  You Only Live Twice is going at the bottom of the list.  The question is, is anything worse?

1. Thunderball
2. From Russia With Love
3. Goldfinger
4. Dr. No
5. You Only Live Twice

BEST LINE:
Tiger and Bond are being bathed by Tiger Tanaka's women.

Tiger: You know what it is about you that fascinates them, don't you?  It's the hair on your chest. Japanese men all have beautiful bare skin.

Bond: A Japanese proverb says, "Bird never make nest in empty tree."

TRIVIA:
In the book, Blofeld's base is an ancient Japanese castle built along the coast.  When researching for the film, Oscar-winning production designer Ken Adam discovered this would be impossible to find. The Japanese never built castles near the coast because of typhoons.  Thinking quickly, Adam's solution was to create the volcano base.  And history was made!

MVP:
So out of the few things I like about this movie, which one is actually strong enough to become MVP?  I think I am going with John Barry and his superb score.  You Only Live Twice is just a terrific piece of work, with one of the best themes of Barry's career. It's a tough call because I am tempted to go with ninjas or that volcano set, but I think in the end, the MVP goes to John Barry.

Thunderball

Thunderball

When I was a teenager, I have a very clear memory of rushing into my dad's office and I telling him I had just seen Goldfinger and that it was amazing.  His response has always stuck in my head.  "Just wait until you see Thunderball."

I will never know why I didn't just rush out and see Thunderball immediately.  That's just common sense.  The clips I had seen didn't seem particularly exciting, I suppose, but you would still think I would trust my dad and watch the movie.  Years later, I finally did.

And, boy, was he right!  Thunderball is pretty spectacular and easily one of the best films of the franchise.  After sitting Goldfinger out, Terence Young (who directed the first two Bond films) returned to the director's chair.  And I have a feeling that he looked at Goldfinger, realized that Guy Hamilton had just upped the ante, and responded by saying, "oh, yeah?!  You think you're better than me?  Get ready for a surprise!" Because Thunderball pushes things up to even bigger level - featuring a more interesting story with a true global nuclear threat, armies of scuba divers in a massive underwater battle, and two of the best Bond girls of the series.

An American jet and its nuclear warheads have gone missing.  The culprit?  SPECTRE, making a return appearance in a big way after taking Goldfinger off to lick their wounds.   If the world doesn't pay $100 million, then SPECTRE will use the nuclear weapons to attack a major city.  Bond only has a few days before SPECTRE makes good on their threat and heads to the Bahamas to track the warheads down.  It's a simple enough plot, but the plots rarely matter in the Bond films.  This movie is the franchise firing on all cylinders, from the action to the scripting to the acting.

The villain this time is Largo, SPECTRE's second-in-command.  As played by Adolfo Celi, he is menacing enough and certainly efficient in carrying out his master plan.  But he is overshadowed by his right hand, one of SPECTRE's best assassin, Fiona Volpe (played by Luciana Paluzzo).  Paluzzo is superb, bringing the right balance of sexy and menace to the role.  You know that Bond will eventually beat Largo, but you are not too sure about Volpe.  Like Red Grant in From Russia With Love, you get the sense that she is not only equal to Bond, but possibly even better.  I'm also a fan of the other Bond girl, Largo's trophy girlfriend, Domino.  Though played by a former Miss France (Claudine Auger), Domino is more than just a pretty face, and unlike a lot of Bond girls, is essential to the plot.

I have some friends who are not a fan of Thunderball.  They think it is slow and not particularly interesting.  But I disagree.  I think it perfectly blends the more methodical spy work of the first two films with the over-the-top entertainment of Goldfinger.  The story is interesting, the stakes seem real, and Connery is at the top of his game.  All in all, I think it is a great film.

Sure, if you want me to nitpick, I can.  I can always find something I don't like about a movie.  I've never been a fan of the jet pack gadget in the opening scene, and view it as a sign of bad things to come (invisible cars, anybody?).  I don't care if someone really built a jet pack and used it in the movie.  It's silly.  The underwater battle, though exciting, probably goes on for 5-minutes too long and gets a bit repetitive, and bad rear projection and over-editing almost ruin the final fight on Largo's boat.

But I say "almost" because it's still fun for me and contains two of my favorite individual moments of the film.  SPOILER ALERT.  I love the second Bond bursts into the ship's bridge to kick butt, a badass moment perfectly punctuated by John Barry's score, and I love that Domino is the one who actually kills Largo.  It's fitting, and from a filmmaking perspective, a beautifully framed shot.  Okay, Spoilers over.

In the end, not everyone loves Thunderball.  But I do.  It takes what works best about all the previous films and then pushes the series into even greater heights.  It has to be seriously considered on the conversation as the best film in the franchise.

RANKINGS:
For taking everything Dr. No, From Russia With Love, and Goldfinger did right, while not taking on their weaknesses, Thunderball leaps to the top of the rankings.  Here is how the rankings are playing out so far:

1. Thunderball
2. From Russia With Love
3. Goldfinger
4. Dr. No


BEST LINE:

James Bond, after spearing Vargas to death: "I think he got the point."

MVP:
As good as Sean Connery is, I have to go with Luciana Paluzzo.  She might be my favorite evil Bond girl actually. She is glamourous, edgy, dangerous and ruthless.  But she also represents an important turning point in the franchise.  Dr. No, while not physically impressive, was menacing enough that you worried for Bond's well-being.  Red Grant and Oddjob both represented dangerous adversaries that we weren't sure Bond could defeat.  Fiona Volpe belongs in the same camp as these icons, but she also represents the end of an era.  Her stalking of Bond in the middle of the film marks the last time I felt that the super spy was in any sort of real danger for over four decades.  The series has had its share of great villains with great dastardly schemes, but I never felt Bond was in any danger.  Not even close.  Not until Daniel Craig's Bond was tied naked to the chair and brutally tortured in Casino Royale in 2006 did I feel that Bond was vulnerable again.  I am giving Paluzzo the MVP not only for her great performance, but also because this is the last appearance of a truly threatening presence, the likes of which we wouldn't see again for literally 41 years.  That's pretty crazy.

TRIVIA:
Thunderball has a bit of controversial history.  Originally, the story was conceived in 1959 as a screenplay called James Bond: Secret Agent, co-written by Ian Fleming, Kevin McClory, and Jack Whittingham. For whatever reason, that film did not get made and Fleming cannibalized the plot for his novel Thunderball.  When Saltzman, Broccoli and Eon Productions obtained the film rights to the series, McClory immediately sued.  After years of acrimony, the feuding producers decided to team up and produce this film together.  The result was the most successful movie in franchise history.  But then the partnership dissolved.  While Eon Productions continued with the main franchise, McClory retained the rights to Thunderball and tried to remake the film repeatedly over the decades.  He was constantly stymied by Eon's lawyers and his attempts kept coming to nothing.  He did succeed once, in 1981, when he lured Sean Connery back to the role and produced Never Say Never Again.